Takes the biscuit

FORMER teacher Barham Brummage tells us: "As I read about plans for the Scottish Government's new round of legislation in my Herald on Saturday, I mused over the supply of 'free period products' in schools. That's nice I thought, maybe some tea, coffee or a wee biscuit for teachers in their free periods. Then I re-read it! Oh well it seemed too good."

Gee whizz

WE asked about spelling errors that should have been caught before sending, and Alan Russell in Edinburgh recalls: "An email sent around a global organisation on behalf of a department head called Angus. Unfortunately spellcheck didn’t recognise the good Scottish name and omitted the 'g' from his name at the end of the missive. It didn’t help matters that the Angus in question had a permanently rather puckered up expression."

Paws for thought

EVERY September MPs would bring their pet dogs to parliament for a light-hearted Westminster Dog of they Year contest, however organisers The Dogs Trust charity says that this week's contest has been cancelled due to concerns about the increase in protests around Parliament putting the safety of the dogs at risk. We don't know whether to laugh or wince at Glasgow SNP MP Carol Monaghan announcing on social media: "This is an affront to dugmocracy."

Worth a shot

A MILNGAVIE golfer tells us that the golf club at Balmore, the village between Milngavie and Kirkintilloch, has won the local league for senior players for the first time. The euphoric members were joshing that perhaps they should hire an open-top bus to celebrate their success. A club member later came in and declared: "I contacted a local bus company who told me, 'We don't have much call for these buses up here in Scotland Sir.' The bus company guy then added, 'I think we once had a provisional booking from a Mr A Salmond back in 2014... but he never came back to us'."

Mist you

WHO can identify with Glasgow stand-up Janey Godley who reveals: "Staying in my friend's awesome flat and she has those electric air fresheners. Absolutely petrified as every now and then it's like a ghost spitting lavender at your ankles in the dark."

Soldiering on

GROWING old, continued. Former Government Minister and Nato leader George Robertson bumped into two soldiers in a late night shop near his flat in London. Says George: "I asked them if they were in the army. Yes was the answer. So I thanked them for serving their country and told them I’d been Defence Secretary when they were probably in Primary School in 1997. The Scots Guardsman replied, ‘I was born in 1998’."

Cut above

WE mentioned dealing with cold callers, and George Dale in Beith says: "On a few calls regarding my so-called car accidents I have been asked how seriously I was injured. I reply that I was decapitated. I am then invariably asked if I had to attended hospital. The conversation does not always end there and I have to explain further."