Doctor… who?

FAITHFUL followers of this column will no doubt realise that, unlike mere mortals, diary scribes don’t retire. The job is more akin to being a Time Lord in Doctor Who. Which hopefully explains the fate of boulevardier, bon vivant and boy aboot toon, Ken Smith. The legend of this parish has regenerated into, erm… me. And, dear readers, as someone who still misses Tom Baker’s helter-skelter scarf and rakish grin, I feel your pain. Though never fear. We’ve still got a slew of silly stories to (fingers crossed) amuse you. Some things never change.

Close shave

ANOTHER former Time Lord, Peter Capaldi, has taken a short cut to success in LA LA Land. A very short cut, indeed. The Gallifreyan with the Glesga accent has shaved off his hair for a part in the new Suicide Squad movie, where he’ll appear alongside Margot Robbie and other Hollywood notables. No details yet about Capaldi’s role. Though since it’s a superhero flick we’ve reached the sad conclusion that Peter won’t be playing a blockbuster version of the classic Scottish sitcom character, The Baldy Man.

Throwing shade

LYNN Bennet, from Cumbernauld, boasted to a chum that she had booked a holiday in Rome. Chum wasn’t impressed. “With all those Roman buildings looming over you, you’ll never get a tan,” she commiserated.

Juggernaut-y boy

WITH his smouldering glances to camera and penchant for stepping out with younger women, you could conclude that Gary Lineker is a playboy of the West End world. Not so. The former footballer and TV pundit has admitted he prefers flirting to anything more intimate. A far cry from legendary Scottish marksman, Frank McAvennie. Even before making it on the football pitch, Frank mulled over launching a suitably dynamic career in the transport industry. “There was this programme on TV and the boy had a big juggernaut thing,” Frank recalled. “He used to pull some girls, and I thought, that’ll do for me.”

Birthday blues

JAMES Turner from Milngavie tells us his wife was disappointed with the birthday card she received from him.

“But you told me not to bother with a card,” said James, valiantly defending his honour.

“But I wanted a much nicer card for you not to bother me with,” countered the missus.

Tuning out

GROWING old continued: Terry Yeomans, from Eaglesham, overhead a teenage girl telling a friend she hated old-time music, adding: “You know, Techno.”

Terry was not amused: “In my day you needed a trumpet, a double bass and a bloke in a fedora crooning about his lost love before you called it old-time music.”

Bo Jo a no-no

THE weekend Herald reported that Boris Johnson ‘yearns’ for the Loch Ness Monster to be real.

Reader Ali Dickinson, from Paisley, counters: “I’ve seen photographic evidence that Boris is Prime Minister. I still find it easier to believe in an elderly, amphibious dinosaur napping at the bottom of a local Loch.”