Rogue runner

BREAKING Bad, that terrific TV tale about a mild-mannered American teacher turning to a life of crime, is being adapted into a blockbuster movie. Nothing so outrageous could happen in Scotland, of course. Although we recall a few untoward incidents in the blackboard jungle. Such as the new teacher, from down England way, who, starting work at Annan Academy, was appalled to spot a fourth-year pupil racing down the corridor. Brought to a halt with the wag of a teacherly finger, the youth explained he was, “Trying to catch the Fechan’ bus." Teach promptly dragged him to detention, which explains why the lad was late home to Ecclefechan.

Fails of the Orient

THEN there’s the tale of the Lanarkshire primary school pupil who returned home after sex education so well versed in the subject he told his parents “boys have a penis and girls a fat china”.

Country matters

SOMETIMES pupils are far brighter than those paid to educate them. We’re fond of the story of a Glasgow teacher who took the class for a country outing. The plan was to sneak some learning into the experience. Attempting to test one child’s arithmetic, teacher pointed to a field and asked: “How many cows can you see?” The pupil, without hesitation or hint of irony, replied: “All of them.”

Phone fibs

SOME young scholars don’t make it as far as the school gates. The phone rang early in a school we know of, and a suspiciously young voice explained that a certain pupil would not be in that day as he was sick. The secretary thanked the caller and asked who was calling. “My dad,” came the reply.

For Peat’s sake

SOMETIMES a note is better than a phone call to explain a student’s absence. A teacher in the south west of Glasgow once told us he received the following parental missive: “Dear Sir, Please excuse John for being absent as he spewed up the whole of Peat Road.”

L of a question

WE’RE also reminded of the primary school pupil who embarrassed her dad by asking at Easter: “How do you make love?” Squirming awkwardly, the flustered father had the presence of mind to ask why she wanted to know. “Well,” came the reply, “I know it begins with L.” It transpired she was attempting to make an Easter card.

Scent home

ONE of the more delicate problems teachers deal with is pupils who have never been introduced to a bar of soap. We recall the teacher who reluctantly took a lad aside to give him much-needed tips on the splendours of personal hygiene. The next day the lad’s angry mother confronted the teacher with the statement: “Ma son’s in school tae be telt, no’ smelt.” To these words of wisdom, she added a scrap of information not unknown to the school: “He’s no an effen’ geranium.”

Linguistic laugh

WE conclude today’s school Diary with a grammatical giggle from reader Tom Hume, who asks how do you calm down an angry English teacher who is constantly correcting your grammar? You say to them: “There, Their, They're.”