CLIMATE Change is a hot button topic in Scotland. Mostly because our climate changes so darned often. (You lather on the Factor 15. Glance out the window. Groan. Wash off the Factor 15. Haul on the welly boots. Glance out the window. Groan...) Even so, reader, John Mulholland, wasn’t impressed by Friday’s climate change march in Glasgow, believing we should focus on more pressing concerns. “For many years, now, some people have found it impossible to get on the property ladder,” he says. “So let’s campaign, instead, for ‘climb it change.’”

Bus fuss

OUR tale about a school pupil running for the fechan (i.e. Ecclefechan) bus reminds Ken McMaster, from Clydebank, of the teacher who was startled to hear that a young student had to hurry to catch the suicide bus. Teach’ uneasily concluded that the bus driver must be falling short in his duties, navigating the roads without care or caution. Upon further investigation, it transpired the youngster was trying not to miss the next bus to the soo(th)side of Glasgow.

On the pull

FOOTBALLERS often don’t know what to do with themselves once their kicky-ball days are over. (Kicky-ball is a technical term, by the way. The Diary is near the Herald Sports Desk, allowing us to glean all sorts of valuable information.) To avoid boredom, David Beckham has spent his retirement collecting tattoos, toying with new haircuts and building an impressively detailed Lego model of Hogwarts School from Harry Potter. (Beckham’s so proud of this final achievement, he posted pictures on Instagram.) Reader, John Murphy, from Troon says he thinks he knows how Lego got its name. “My kids always end up pulling each other’s hair, fighting over who gets to play with the most little plastic bricks,” he says. “Then it’s a case of: ‘Le’ go!’ ‘No, you le’ go first!’”

Piers of the realm

SARAH Thompson tells us she’s no ardent royalist, though she prefers the blue blood system to what’s replacing it… celebrity culture. Especially after her thirteen-year-old son informed her recently: “Whenever I think about Britain, I don’t think about the Queen. I think about Piers Morgan.” Piers the First replacing Elizabeth II? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Though it probably won’t happen. Piers is far too big-headed to fit a crown on his bonce.

Road to nowhere

OUR recent yarn about a golfer, a jogger, and the meaningless journeys both sportsmen embark upon reminds reader, Gordon McRae, of the gag about an Edinburgh jogger who was advised by his G.P. to run for 5 miles each day. By the end of the week he was in Glasgow.

Birthday blues

READER, Gareth Peterson gets in touch to inform us he has no idea why his girlfriend is claiming he ruined her birthday. “I didn’t even know it was her birthday,” he sighs.