OUR tale about a customer getting unwanted sugar in her tea reminds retired politician, Dennis Canavan, of a similar altercation with Margaret Thatcher. Dennis met Maggie, who was Prime Minister at the time, to discuss a threatened works closure in his constituency. When the PM started pouring dollops of dairy product in his cup, Dennis was forced to inform her he didn’t take milk with tea. Whereupon the Iron Lady snarled: “Take it. It’s good for you!” Dennis was tempted to remind Mrs T she was infamous for depriving schoolchildren of free milk, so he couldn’t understand why she was so keen to inflict the stuff on him. “But I guessed that would certainly mean the workers’ jobs down the swanny,” sighs Dennis. “So I bit my tongue and swallowed the milky tea.”

Bus fuss

YESTERDAY’S Great Scottish Run was an opportunity to get behind all those huffers and puffers wheezing their wobbly way towards victory. Though not everyone was cheering the athletes. Gavin Beeman’s bus couldn’t reach Glasgow city centre because the road was blocked for the race. Along with other passengers, he had to complete his journey on foot, which didn’t amuse one elderly lady. “Here’s me exercising by accident,” she groaned. “And I bet I don’t even get a medal when I reach the finish line at Marks & Spencer’s.”

U.S. of Eh?

TOUR guide Gordon Hart was waiting at the lights at the bottom of Hope Street with a group of Americans. “What’s that peeping noise?” enquired one lady. “That’s to warn blind people the traffic lights have changed,” explained Gordon. A pause followed, while the tourist absorbed this information. Then she said: “You know, Gordon, in our country we just wouldn’t let them drive.”

Seeing red

DONALD Trump’s recent complaint that he should have won a Nobel Prize has got the Diary pondering. Perhaps Donald’s right, and not enough trophies are awarded to super-rich politicians and celebs in need of an ego massage. With that humanitarian principle in mind, the Diary proudly presents our very first Nae Bull Prize. And the award for Telling It Like It Is(n’t) goes to Rangers manager Steven Gerrard, who claims he’s in no rush to manage Liverpool FC. Aye, right, Stevie. Nature is red in tooth and claw, they say. And we kind of think that so are you.

Roy’s our boy

OUR quest to find international celebs with wafer-thin connections to Scotland gathers pace. Gordon McRae reminds us that a certain singer in shades was born in an East Lothian mining village. He means Roy Ormiston, of course.

What an animal

ROBERT Comb gets in touch to proudly inform us his father has a heart the size of a lion. Not quite so proudly, he adds: “And a lifetime ban at the zoo.”