NOW based in Florida, Sir Billy Connolly remains a magnet for those eccentric characters he once immortalised in comedy routines. An alligator-catcher chum regularly brings freshly caught snappy chappies to Billy’s house to show him.

“His technique is to tie up its jaws and keep it in his garden, where he plays AC/DC to it night and day,” explains Sir Billy. “In his experience the alligators stay away from humans after that.”

The diary is curious to know if other rock and roll tunes would work equally well. Surely Bill Haley & His Comets ‘See You Later, Alligator’ would be the perfect musical accompaniment for any self-respecting alligator hunter?

Haplessly historical

A TEACHER at a Glasgow high school tells us her pupils are an enthusiastic bunch. One female student was curious to learn how the Jacobean era got its name. It was explained that the word Jacobean comes from the Biblical name Jacob, from which James is derived. Hence the Jacobean period denotes the reign of King James. The girl was thrilled with this knowledge, which she mulled over at her desk, before sitting bolt upright. “Oh, wow!” she gasped. “Does that mean the Victorian era is named after Queen Victoria?”

Ally plays ball

BOOKIES are seldom wrong in their predictions. So we took notice when those gambling gurus tipped Ally McCoist to enter the I’m A Celebrity Jungle later this year. Ally’s bound to thrive in the Australian outback, where contestants munch kangaroo testicles and other antipodean delicacies. However, putting a Scotsman on the popular TV show is a tad unfair to other contestants. Once you’ve staggered into a chippy, half-stotious at midnight, and ordered a deep-fried pizza followed by a deep-fried Mars Bar chaser (and what self-respecting Scot hasn’t done that?) the terrors of a bush tucker brunch pale in comparison.

Joke jocks

OUR mission to discover celebrities with the vaguest links to Scotland continues. Gordon McRae says mature readers may remember Crying In The Rain outside Boots Corner in Glasgow to the tune of the Elderslie Brothers. And who can forget that other great 50s rocker, Elvis Paisley?

Dazed and confused

POOR Lulu. Touring the UK, the 60s shout-merchant rocked up at Lanark Memorial Hall, where she promptly bellowed to the crowd: “Hello, Motherwell!” Oops. The diary has some advice for pop stars in the middle of long, disorienting tours. When you bound on stage, yell the following: “Hello generic rock crowd! It’s fab to be back in your great city/town/village/hamlet. And if I’ve not been before, it’s fab to be back for the first time!” The personal touch. Always works a treat.

Pause for applause

BREXIT brouhaha continued. Reader Kevin Mitchell has a brill’ Brexit joke for us. Unfortunately he says he’ll need over three years to get the punchline just right.