Herald Diary

By Lorne Jackson

(To be published Wednesday, 23rd Oct.)

Playing chicken

PRESENTING music show, The Tube, Muriel Gray regularly hung out with the most roguish rock reprobates on Planet Pop. These days her life is more sedate. Or is it? With the help of a feathered friend she’s been feeling rather piratical. “Today Shirley the chicken decided to fly onto my shoulder like a parrot,” she explains, while also providing a photo of the unchicken-like occurrence. “Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing,” she adds. “We were both rather surprised.” Now all Muriel has to do is saw off one of her legs while training her chicken to say: “Pieces of eight.” Then… voila! Instant Long John Silver.

Bridling at bride

GETTING married recently, Aidan Thompson from Stamperland was left in no doubt about his role on the big day. His soon-to-be missus explained the situation succinctly: “Don’t gabble when you make your speech, try and look dull and grey next to me, and forget about eating the cake, it’s fattening.” Aidan did as he was told, though he almost rebelled by arriving in army boots and khaki rather than a suit and tie. “I thought I was going home with a wife,” he sighs. “It turned out to be a commanding officer.”

Hero to zero

COMIC book author Mark Millar is famous for breathing life into superheroes. The Coatbridge scribe has written tales featuring Spiderman and Captain America. But is he as bold as the heroes he writes about? We’ll let Mark answer that. “My five-year-old asked me if I wanted to play Truth or Dare,” he reveals, before providing us with the following mini-script relating what transpired after he accepted the challenge… Mark: Okay. Dare. Daughter: Poo in the street. (At which point Mark, realising his wily adversary is more ruthless than he, accepts defeat and surrenders unconditionally.)

Battling bruvs

BROTHERS can be competitive. Reader Dan Taylor says he and big bruv, Fred, battle over everything. As kids they argued about who was better at football, then debated who had the prettiest girlfriend in their teens. “It never ends,” chuckles Dan. “I got a walking stick recently. Fred told me he’d gone one better. I popped round to his and discovered he had a Zimmer frame. ‘Four extra legs are better than one,’ Fred told me. For once I’m glad he’s winning!”

Smash, grab, giggle

SANJEEV Kohli has been having a hard time of late. The Still Game star reveals his house has been burgled. “The only thing they didn’t take was the fabric conditioner in the fridge,” he sighs weepily, before adding. “But that was cold comfort.” Oh Sanjeev. You’re such a big kidder.

Negative connotations

GAG time. Reader John Munro asks if we’ve heard about the mathematician afraid of negative numbers. He’d stop at nothing to avoid them.