Burning love

OUR run of seasonally gothic tales set in the shade of the cemetery gates reminds comedy legend Andy Cameron of a yarn told to him by Johnny Beattie. Johnny was on a day trip to Helensburgh with Jack Milroy, Jack’s wife Mary Lee, and fellow performer Anne Fields. As they passed the Clydebank Crematorium, Jack declared to Mary: “When ah go Mary, ah want to go from there.” He pointed to the crematorium. Mary was perplexed: “What are you talking about, Jack?” Her hubby, at this point, made his wish clear: “I want to go from there, Mary,” he repeated with the passion of a man finally confirming his heart’s desire. “Ye get a rerr view o’ the Clyde.”

Dry run

ACTOR Douglas Henshall is filming in London at the moment. There must be a glimmer of glamour in this sort of work, surely? Not according to, Douglas. “My pick up time is 10.50am and I have one scene to shoot,” he says. “I basically have the schedule of a semi-incontinent 75-year-old: ‘Look I want him here not too early and dry!’”

Snail mail

A DIARY tale about a woman with an infestation of rats in her house leads West End reader David Donaldson to get in touch to reveal his losing battle with a plague of very determined snails. “Outside our kitchen window, which is twenty feet from the ground, we hang a fat-filled coconut to feed the birds,” David explains. “At night the snails climb up and feed on the suet. As a result our whole back wall now looks like a snottery wean’s sleeve.”

Invisible woman

WE asked what superpowers would come in handy in everyday life. Reader Margaret Calman believes Nicola Sturgeon may want to appropriate the power to make herself invisible, at least during awkward moments on the General Election campaign trail. Margaret spotted the First Minister looking uncomfortable at a media event in Dalkeith, where Ms Sturgeon pretended to strum an acoustic guitar while singing The Monkees ditty I’m a Believer. “Nicola looked ‘mega awks’ as my teenage daughter would say,” chuckles Margaret, adding: “I know politicians want to be seen and heard. But I’m not so sure they want to be visible while braying naff pop tunes.”

Scot in sandals

ANOTHER entry in our long-running series about celebrities with obscure Scottish origins. David McClemont from Inverness points out that our small but talented nation can take pride in a certain jut-jawed "Jock" who made it big in La La Land by starring in sword and scandals epic Spartacus. It’s Kirk, frae Douglas, of course.

Visionary response

AT a recent job interview reader Paul Lyons was asked where he saw himself in a year’s time. After a brief pause, he replied: “I’m not sure. My eyesight’s pretty poor, which means I don’t have 2020 vision.”

Read more: Bing Crosby at Prestwick Airport, 1966 and 1971