ENTERTAINER Johnny Mac has been focusing all his energy on learning lines for his panto turn in Jack and the Beanstalk at the Kings Theatre, Glasgow. Which might explain his less than impressive performance during a trip to the local shops. Boasting about his jaunty pace round the aisles with a trolley, Johnny says: “Ten minutes to pick up some shopping from the supermarket.” Then in a slightly more rueful manner he adds: “Twenty minutes to find the car as I forgot where I parked it.”

Handling a funeral

CALL us a morbid bunch in Diary Corner, but of late we’ve been having an unseemly amount of fun with the business of death. And so it continues, courtesy of reader Eric Flack who informs us that some years ago he was at the funeral of an elderly friend whose first name was Hans. So what musical accompaniment did the family choose to bring the coffin into the crematorium? ‘You Need Hands’, of course, sung by the inimitable Max Bygraves (Whose surname is exceedingly morbid, too, now we come to think about it).

Scattered thoughts

THE most fractious dispute of recent times has been over Brexit, with Leavers and Remainers relentlessly sneering and snarling at each other. Now we’ve come across an issue even more likely to cause ructions in our once tolerant society. A topic so controversial we tremor before broaching the subject. But broach it we must. A recent Diary article focused on the practice of avaricious Scottish children to chase wedding cars in pursuit of untold wealth in the form of coins tossed from car windows. This we called a scatter. However, reader Gordon Casely informs us: “There is no such beastie as a scatter. It was aye a scramble when I was a boy.” Is Gordon correct? Or does the name vary by region? The Diary needs to know. Are you a Scatterer, a Scrambler or something more exotic? Perhaps only a referendum can solve this one…

Half-baked suggestion

SCOTTISH Independence remains a topic of critical importance for swathes of the electorate. But how many voters have truly studied the intricacies of an irrevocable break from the rest of the UK? Step forward reader Jordan Macfarlane who explains: “In an independent Scotland The Great British Bake Off would be called O Flour of Scotland.”

Sanjeev nose best

OUR favourite purveyor of daft comments, River City actor Sanjeev Kohli, explains that the new iPhone has a sense of smell. “Just reset to olfactory settings,” he adds.

Road to ruin

A TRULY tragic tale, now, of a father not living up to the high expectations of his son. “My dad was a road worker”, reader Paul Frost recalls. “I never wanted to believe the rumours that he was stealing from work. But when I got home, the signs were there.”