MEGA-TOOTHED English comedian Rob Beckett plays the King’s Theatre, Glasgow, tomorrow. (Our theatrical contacts tell us Rob’s teeth have already arrived in town and are patiently waiting for the rest of Rob to catch-up.) The gag-merchant comes from a humble South London background but his success on stage and TV means he’s now living life in the fast lane. Or should that be the fast-food lane? “No matter how much money I make, I’ll still want a bucket of KFC,” he explains. “And when I’m eating it, I’ll be thinking ‘Look at me eating KFC, and not one of the s*** high street alternatives that pretend to be KFC.’” Rob adds with a grin: “I still look to the Colonel for comfort when I’ve been on the booze. I won’t be eating my hangover food in the Ivy anytime soon.”

Scatter patter continued

MORE information has come to light regarding the name given to a gang of rascals, rogues and reprobates (i.e. children) who chase a wedding car in the hope of grabbing pennies tossed in their direction. A Broughty Ferry woman who grew up in Arbroath during the 1940s tells us it wasn’t a scatter, a scramble or a poor-oot: “When we heard on the grapevine of a wedding, we appeared en masse to scramble for the money in what we called a heize,” she explains, before adding. “It was possibly called that because the pennies were thrown high in the air from the wedding taxi. Nobody in our street owned a car!”

Candle confusion

SHOPPING shenanigans continued. David Chadwick from Carluke relates a tale that echoes the famous Two Ronnies Four Candles sketch. The owner of a newsagent's in Mill Street, Rutherglen, was once asked by a customer if he had any ‘conels’. The well-stocked store sold newspapers, sweets, cigarettes, and, yes, even candles, which were subsequently produced and handed to the customer. “No, no,” said he, failing to disguise his frustration. “I mean Connell’s… Connell’s lemonade.”

Raging Martin

MOVIE fans will no doubt be aware of Martin Scorsese’s contentious argument that the blockbuster Marvel superhero flicks aren’t genuine cinema. According to Glasgow comedian Chris Thorburn, the Raging Bull director has now gone one step further: “Martin Scorsese claims John Lewis adverts aren’t cinema,” reports Chris, tongue firmly lodged in cheek.

Rom com bombs

NOW for a heartwarming love story almost as delightful as a Jennifer Aniston romcom flick. “My wife and I were both happy for 26 years,” simpers reader Joe Milne. (Everyone say: ‘Awww!’) Joe adds. “Then we met.” (Everyone say: “Umm,” and look awkwardly at their shoes.)

Entrepreneurial hot air

MORE whimsical witterings. Reader Bob Dollan tells us he recently started a new business selling balloons, costing £1 a balloon. If customers want them blown-up, the price rises to £1.50. “I had to adjust due to inflation,” explains Bob.