Comical train of thought

A WELL-TRAVELLED Diary reader tells us of a rush-hour jaunt he took on the Docklands Light Railway.

Rush hour in our crowded capital is often a fraught affair. A baked bean squashed inside a Heinz tin enjoys more comfort and dignity than the crushed, cramped and half-crazed commuters of London Town.

But this journey was different, thanks to the jocular train driver. Throughout the journey he provided a riotous running commentary, packed with gags and goofy comments. At one point he revealed that a new fleet of environmentally friendly trains, powered by vegetables and herbs, was to be introduced. This meant, he added, that at long last the rail network would run on thyme.

On your bike

MORE tales of unwanted Christmas presents. Gavin Beeman tells us that on Christmas Eve last year his seven-year-old son ran into the living room squealing: “I don’t want a bike for Christmas anymore.” This surprised Gavin, as the youngster had spent months demanding such a present from Santa. “Why not?” said dad to lad. “Because I just found one behind the wardrobe!” trilled the little fellow.

Boris balks

BORIS Johnson has yet to agree a date and location to be interviewed by Andrew Neil. We suspect the date he’ll finally choose will be any time… so long as it’s a thousand years after the General Election.

And the location? A sound-proof bunker devoid of TV cameras or any other pesky recording devices. Perhaps the Diary can coax Boris into sitting down with Andrew sooner, and more publicly, by devising a slightly less robust line of questioning, tailored for skittish politicians. Question Number One: Coke or Pepsi?

Long playing

WE recently suggested one of modern life’s greatest challenges is attempting to watch three-and-a-half hour Netflix gangster movie, The Irishman, in one sitting. Reader Thelma Edwards scoffs at this, revealing she’s achieved something far more impressive.

In 2015 she listened, in one go, to an eight-hour musical performance of a Max Richter album on Radio 3. “I didn't drop off once,” she says, adding: “I explained to a friend that it just took persistence, but was told it was down to my sheer bloody-mindedness.”

Readers won’t be surprised to discover the eight-hour album is called Sleep. Something most listeners probably succumb to well before the album’s finished.

Water palaver

GOLFING broadcaster Diane Knox is feeling drippy. “The toilet at work flooded,” she groans. Diane also forgot to tighten the lid on a bottle of water, drenching her bag and laptop. “Me and all liquids are finished for the day,” she grumps, before adding hastily: “Apart from wine.”

Caveman comedy

WE are reliably informed by Roderick Archibald Young that episodes of The Flintstones are finally being shown in the Middle East. Apparently the folk in Dubai don’t like the show. Although those in Abu Dhabi do…