Master of mediocrity

CHRISTMAS is a time when wishes come true, usually because Santa gets involved. Up-and-coming Glasgow actor Daniel Cameron isn’t relying on Santa’s intervention. His dream is to play the role of Konstantin in a swish West End production of Chekhov’s The Seagull, which will star Emilia Clarke. To grab the attention of casting directors, Daniel’s written an open letter, listing the reasons he’s perfect for the job. They include: 1) I went to drama school, so I know what a samovar is and how to use one. 2) I'm sure Emilia Clarke will do a great job. She will, of course, need someone who looks like he could be pining over the fact that she’s way out of his league and he's a terrible mediocrity in every way… I am that guy!

Loose definition

OUR quest to find new and improved acronyms for SAGA, the holiday company for travellers who totter a tad, takes a dramatic swerve today. Reader Jim Morrison says the name of the company shouldn’t be an acronym at all. He suggests, instead, that it should be Saggy Tours.

Job ap(palling)

SOME years ago the position of secretary became available at reader Margaret Thomson’s local school. The application form included the question: "Where did you hear about this vacancy?" As a reply, one hopeful had written: "Fae ma sho sho wuku." Regrettably this pithy answer did not lead to a subsequent interview for the job. (For those confused by this intriguing array of letters, we should point out that they were not scattered on the page at random. The job-hunter was attempting to write: “From my social worker.”)

Boxing (not) clever

SCOTTISH actor David Paisley can currently be seen in River City where he’s deranged gangster Rory Murdoch. Rory is truly a rogue of epic proportions, though the man who plays him believes that worse fiends abound at this time of year. He argues that Christmas is: “Your yearly reminder that people who put empty After Eight wrappers back into the box are complete and total psychopaths.”

Boozing religiously

COMEDIAN Jamie Dalgleish recently found out that the monks at Buckfast Abbey are building a £5000 extension to the monastery. After doing some basic arithmetical calculations Jamie says he’s come to the conclusion that: “I've defo spent £5000 on Buckie in my life.” With a despondent sigh he adds: “I'm the worst atheist ever.”

Finished with fantasy?

WE conclude with some metaphysical musings, with a hint of Christmas about them. (Though they work just as well at Easter, or when your kid has a wobbly tooth). Reader Edith Jones says she remembers as a child her parents filling her head with nonsense about Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. She adds: “Now I’m older, I don’t fall for that rubbish any more, thank God.”