Happy families

HOPEFULLY all our readers have fully recovered from the strenuous exertions of Christmas and Boxing Day. We assume emergency hospital wards across the country are now crowded with those poor souls who have strained muscles pulling crackers and tearing open tightly-wrapped gifts. Comedian Chris Thorburn sums up the unbridled joy of the festivities best when he says: “So nice to get a few days away from your stressful job to spend time with your stressful family.”

Blame game

DECIDING to do something different this festive season, reader Sandy Tuckerman attended a chess retreat at a country hotel. After the first day the participants were relaxing next to a roaring log fire in the bar, discussing the matches that had just been played. After a while the manager came out and asked the chess chums to disperse. Not knowing what they’d done wrong, Sandy asked for an explanation. The manager replied that some of the other guests were fed up listening to chess nuts boasting by an open fire.

Morbid monologue

OUR quirky question of the day is supplied by Denis Bruce from Bishopbriggs who is curious to know if a funeral director had to give a series of talks on his profession, would it be advisable to call them The Wreath Lectures?


SO what was the best present you received this Christmas? Pun-peddling Drumchapel comedian Iain MacDonald explains that he loves to chomp down on a tasty toasty (or two). So he was delighted when he was given a new toastie making machine, even if it was the exact same model he’d previously owned. As Iain concedes: “Better the Breville you know.”

No room for gloom

WE assume SNP politician James Dornan has been in a maudlin mood over Crimbo, as he spent the festivities listening to the final album from late Canadian crooner Leonard Cohen. (For those not familiar with Cohen’s oeuvre, his songs are about as upbeat as getting an IOU from Santa.) Concluding that Mr. Dornan could do with a more jaunty LP to listen to at this time of year, the Diary spent a hectic day rummaging in The Herald’s cavernous record library, where we eventually unearthed the very thing to send a music aficionado.

A copy of The Krankies ‘It’s Fan-Dabi Dozi!’ album from 1981 is now winging its way to Mr Dornan. He’ll soon be able to listen to such timeless classics as Hubba Dubba Dooby, Press The Boogie Button and The Haggis Song. (The latter, we are led to believe, has long been a favourite amongst SNP bigwigs.)

Gargling gran

ELDERLY relatives can be real troupers at this time of year. Reader Dawn Milton tells us her grandmother is now in her eighty-fifth year and still doesn’t need glasses. “On Christmas day she was swigging straight out of the bottle,” recalls Dawn with pride.