Porridge prattle

THE revelation that Alex Salmond’s QC was overheard on a train making indiscreet remarks about his client didn’t faze writer Deedee Cuddihy. She often jots down comments overheard on public transport, many of which feature in her book The Wee Guide to Scottish Women.

She once heard a lady who was travelling with her family say to a fellow passenger: “We were up seeing my daughter Tracey in Greenock prison and we took the wee man along. He’s 15 months, and she’s pregnant again. Noo we’re visiting my son in Kilmarnock. It’s a day oot, really. You get sandwiches and everything.”

Hair flair

STAR of stage and screen Dorothy Paul was saddened to hear of the demise of retail group Remnant Kings. Just after the war, when she was about 10, a wee lass sprinted down her street yelling: “Mr King has ribbon! Mr King has ribbon!” On hearing this breaking news a gleeful gaggle of gals, jingling pennies begged from their mothers, hot-footed it in the direction of Dennistoun’s Remnant Kings. Each bought a piece of bright red ribbon. Unfortunately lustrous tresses were in even shorter supply than fancy ribbon, due to a nit epidemic.

"But Mr King's ribbon on the heid still looked beautiful," sighs Dorothy.

Unchequed behaviour

AN unlikely story from Lisa Thompson who says she lost her job at the bank recently. “A woman asked me to check her balance,” says Lisa. “So I pushed her over.”

Silent terror

AN even more unlikely tale from Maurice Parker who informs us he was kidnapped by a gang of mimes. “They did unspeakable things to me,” he winces.

Board silly

BOARDGAMES are popular at the moment for obvious reasons. Reader Colin Murphy attempted to win a game of Scrabble using the word "Jeezonoagain", which he claims is the noise emitted by a chap forced to play too many games of Scrabble. No such word could be found in the household dictionary, which Colin argues is due to a publishing error.

Clued up

NEWSPAPER scribe Neil Drysdale recalls the late crossword setter John McKie being impressed when Neil told him Britney Spears was an anagram of Presbyterians. John then proved his own skill at wacky word warping, when oops, he did it again, revealing that Manchester City is an anagram of synthetic cream.

Weight for it

A SOUPCON of silliness from reader Marc Bentham, who asks what’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo. The answer, of course, is that one is quite heavy while the other’s a little lighter.

Read more: Give us a clue: is this cheating?