AS the deputy head at an Edinburgh secondary school, Eric Melvin was styled the "Head of Discipline", which led to many curious encounters. A mother once burst into his room demanding a certain teacher be fired for calling her son "a f***ing doormat."

With difficulty the parent was calmed down and left with a coffee while Eric sought an explanation. The teacher in question was a senior staff member, so it was with trepidation our man informed him of the complaint.

Instead of an awkward silence, the teacher roared with laughter then said: “I told the boy that his faculties were dormant."

The parent was appeased and left the school, no doubt in search of a dictionary when she got home.

Impish behaviour

A DIARY story about a swanky feast reminds John Gerrard of a splendid graduation dinner at Glasgow Uni attended by academic high heed yins and honorary graduates. During a lull in the conversation an exclamation rang out from an embarrassed waitress: “Aw hen. I’m awfy sorry. I’ve dropped some peas doon yer pixie.”

The pixie in question turned out to be the hood of an academic gown.

Athletic? Pathetic

IN a listless mood reader Martin Barker says if laziness was an Olympic sport he wouldn’t want to place higher than fourth. “I couldn’t be bothered climbing on to the winner’s plinth,” he says.

Baby bacteria

WE’VE been devising baby names that are silly yet somehow work. A medical friend of Barham Brummage told him that a young mother once shared her potential choice of name for her little darling. She thought Chlamydia sounded sweet.

Toilet humour

YEARS before mobile phones took over our lives, Gordon Wright, from Edinburgh, was working in Glasgow and needed to make a phone call. So he joined an old lady waiting outside a phone box in George Square. Unfortunately, the young woman inside the box was gabbing interminably. The old lady turned to Gordon and said: “She's been in there for hauf an oor. Some folk dinnae seem tae realise a phone box is a public convenience.”

Bad job

THE wife of reader Gary Black was employed as a lollipop lady last year. “She wasn’t amused when I told friends she was working as a human trafficker,” says Gary.

Glorious name

A DIARY story about a lady with an unfortunate married name reminds Tom Smith, of Girvan, of his friendship with a lady called Gloria Watson, who married a bloke called Bill Mundy. What came next was inevitable. “Naturally she became known as Sic Transit,” says Tom. “To her credit she didn’t mind.”

Water solution

“HOW do you make a water bed more bouncy?” asks Karen McCabe. You add spring water, of course.