Cutting comments

FINDING himself without scissors in the house, Harvey Graham bought a pair from the shops. At home he discovered the scissors were sealed inside a bag it was impossible to tear open. “If only I had scissors, I could cut the bag open,” Harvey thought to himself. Then he realised he did indeed have scissors. Inside a bag. That he couldn’t open without the aid of scissors.

“I felt like a physicist trying to comprehend the origins of the universe,” our reader explains. “Once things get going, everything makes sense. But how does the Big Bang start in the first place?”

Code red

A tale of marital strife. “My wife accused me of being immature,” reveals reader Rob McCoy, who adds: “I fired back that she was insensitive for climbing into my treehouse without using the secret password.”

Apathy rules

THE son of reader Rachel Benson is regimented when it comes to tackling the work set by his school to complete at home. He wakes early in the afternoon and doesn’t do English. He then takes a lunch break, after which he refuses to do maths. In the afternoon and evening he dodges physics, chemistry, biology and French. Then it’s early to bed (11.30pm) so he can repeat the process the following day.

“With this work ethic he’ll eventually be awarded a PhD in skiving,” says Rachel.


CAROL Taylor's 20th wedding anniversary didn’t go as hoped. “My husband and I had dinner I prepared, then I washed the dishes,” says Carol. Glancing at her chafed hands in the soap suds, our reader sighed. “What started out as marital bliss has turned into marital blisters,” she says.

Royal house call

PRINCE William and Kate Middleton became bingo callers during a virtual visit to a nursing home. Reader Scott Fowler believes the royal pair should have adapted the traditional bingo"call outs" into something more regal. He suggests “Cup of tea, number three” could be: “Footman grovelling on bended knee, number three.”

No returns

“What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t return?” asks Kevin Barker. “A stick.”

Off the wall

THE husband of Maggie Bowden wants to buy a bulk-load of books, though he hardly reads. “He’s been participating in Zoom conference calls,” explains Maggie. “Now he’s jealous of colleagues who sit in front of well-stocked bookcases.”

Maggie adds: “The only backdrop my husband has is faded floral wallpaper from the 1970s, which is very humbling.”

Dry humour

EVER wondered why Scotsmen rarely return from Canada after visiting? Reader Paul Blackburn has an answer: “They see ‘Drink Canada Dry’ adverts, then make it their life goal to try. Usually with a splash of added whisky.”

Read more: Those were the days