A DIARY story about a muddled phone conversation reminds Mary Duncan, from Garrowhill, Glasgow, of the time she was on the blower and the person on the end of the line struggled with her exotic surname.

Phone person: "Duncan with a k?"

Mary: "NO! With a c."

Phone person: "Ok, i-n?"

Mary: "No, a-n!"

Our reader was also once handed an invoice with the same curious ‘Dunkin’ spelling. She concludes people tend to mistake her for the owner of popular snack retailer Dunkin’ Donuts.

Sale of the century

WE continue to prove Glasgow is a hub of sophisticated capitalist endeavour. A reader recalls visiting Paddy’s Market before it closed. A disconsolate young man proffered an unidentifiable object with the sales line: “I don’t know what it is… but it’s the last one”. On returning to the stall later, our reader was impressed to note the salesmanship had become even more persuasive: “Somebody buy something or I’ll shoot youse.”

Sherlock solves

ARTHUR Conan Doyle died years ago, though our readers continue to offer the literary public thrilling escapades involving the world’s finest consulting detective. The following Baker Street vignette was provided by Gordon McRae. “Tell me, Holmes. What do you call that bit of gut that gets blocked by constipation?”

“Alimentary, my dear Watson.”

Leaking lyrics

WITH lockdown eased, people are getting out more. Though conveniences such as public toilets remain in short supply. David Donaldson believes this may lead to a tragedy of Hamlet-size proportions. Underlining his point, he provides us with a sillyquay... a solihulliqay… a short poem.

“To pee or not to pee: that is the question.

Whether ‘tis safer on the whole

To risk the stings of nettles in undergrowth cover

Or to take aim against a wall of rubble…”

Judge and jury

“PEOPLE are too judgmental these days” says reader Dorothy McCourt. “I can tell by just looking at them.”

Double-decker dance

WE continue our run of graffiti-based gags. Irene Burn, from Netherlee, East Renfrewshire, was at a bus stop once. Her eyes scanned a poster offering advice about how to flag down passing transport. It concluded: “Leave no doubt. Left hand out.” Underneath someone had scribbled: “Do the Hokey Cokey and turn about”.

Middlingly successful

OUR mission to devise advertising slogans for Scotland’s towns and cities continues. Chris Fowler believes his home town, situated between two of Scotland’s mightiest metropolises, should promote its convenience to both. He suggests: “Falkirk. It’s the cucumber in the Glasgow/Edinburgh sandwich.”

Fruitful thought

TECH savvy reader Paul Hawes always wondered why the logo for the Apple company wasn’t a whole apple. Then he realised Apple computers use bites for storage.