Unfocused fan
GLASGOW-BASED comedian Neil Bratchpiece is famous for playing a character called the Wee Man on TV and YouTube. Regrettably, some of his followers aren’t as clued up as Neil would like them to be.

He recalls an encounter with a fan of the flummoxed variety: “A guy on a bridge asked me: ‘Are you no that hingwy that done the hing on that hing?’

“I just said: ‘Aye’. I still don't know if I'm the hingwy he was hinkin of.”

Cop strop

A TALE starring our favourite man of law, the late Sheriff J. Irvine Smith, courtesy of reader Eleanor Black.

A gentleman was in the dock at Glasgow Sheriff Court. His crime was breach of the peace.

Prior to passing sentence, Irvine Smith enquired of the fellow: "Do you have anything to say for yourself, sir?"

"Your honour,” said the man. “That policeman told me to f*** off!"

"He told you to f*** off?" said Irvine Smith.

"Yes, your honour, he told me to f*** off. Twice!"

"Well,” said the Sheriff. “If you'd f***ed off the first time, my man, you wouldn't be standing there now."

Hair scare

GENEROUS Dougie Lyden, from Maryhill, once bought his mother a £75 gift voucher for Rita Rusk International. It included a haircut, a head massage and other goodies. Three days before her appointment mum decided to get a trim from a local salon.

"Whit you daen maw?" enquired our bamboozled reader.

To which mum responded: “Get a grip. There's nae way Rita's touching my hair in this state..."

Spell check

A CONFUSED John Delaney from Lochwinnoch wonders why the word ‘dyslexia’ is so difficult to spell…

High flying haggis

WE’VE been telling tales about well-travelled Scottish scoff, including a fish supper that made its way to America and remained edible. Jenny Niven once took a haggis to Beijing (Well, why wouldn’t you?). The staff who worked in her brother’s bar in the Chinese capital had no idea what to do with it.

“So they just chopped it up and stir fried the sh** out of it,” says Jenny. “It was delicious.”

Rain reigns

REPORTING on the woeful weather, reader Tom Greeves says: “Scotland used to have four seasons in one day. Now it’s four seasons in one hour. And all at the same time.”

Liquid launch

THE inside of Scottish hostelries remain dry. Reader Ian Wilson wonders if Nicola Sturgeon’s decision making is influenced by singer Lynn Anderson. Which is why the First Minister is now trilling: ‘I Only Promised You A Beer Garden’.

Spell check

“WHAT do you call an igloo without a toilet?” asks John Clarke. “An ig.”