Fast faith

THE Rev Andrew Williams from Dundee tells us that some years ago one of his friends, a Kirk elder, was working with young offenders. He took one of the young men to the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland.

The lad watched the proceedings as they progressed at a sedate and tranquil pace. He then asked: “Who's that in the big chair?”

The Kirk elder explained it was the Moderator.

The young chap mulled over this information for a moment, then exclaimed: “Moderator! It's an accelerator you need.”Artful address

ROSS Sayers, a writer of novels for young adults with a Scottish setting, has a book out later this year. Even so, he’s more concerned about the prospects of a fellow scribe, the legendary author of The Handmaid’s Tale. Ross says: “If Margaret Atwood got a job for a website called Wood, her email address would be margaret@wood. And I just think that's beautiful.”

Weighty matters

WE suggested political interrogator Andrew Neil could forge a new career interviewing problematic characters from children’s TV. Brandon Curran hopes he’ll cross swords with one of the Teletubbies, leading to the following exchange…

Andrew Neil: Let’s be perfectly frank, Tinky Winky. Poor lifestyle choices have proved detrimental to your health. If you didn’t obsessively lounge about watching telly, you wouldn’t be so tubby.

Third degree

WE recently revealed the Royal Conservatoire of Scotland notified students they had graduated by sending a tweet of a shrieking Oprah Winfrey.

Russell Smith from Kilbirnie wonders what unsuccessful students received. He suggests a picture of Homer Simpson slapping his head and groaning: “D’oh!”

Tiny trader

ENTREPRENEURIAL reader Dave Joseph started a business weighing small objects. “It’s a small scale operation,” he says.

Bye bye Bill

WITH a presidential election in the US this year, John Richmond from Lochwinnoch remains disappointed Hillary Clinton didn’t become the nation’s leader last time round. He wonders if her hubby Bill would have been forced to change his name to Adam if Hillary had won. Because for the first time America wouldn’t have a First Lady… there would be a First Man.

Cowboy capers

PUTTING on a facemask as his train arrived at the station, reader Eric Brown said it took him back to his youth, when he pretended to be wild west outlaw Butch Cassidy waiting to rob a locomotive. “Sadly I grew up to be an accountant,” says Eric. “But with my facemask I at least look like the dashing rogue I hoped to become.”

Jacking in gym

LACKING energy, reader William Hough quit working as a personal trainer. “I handed in my too weak notice,” he says.

Read more: The Speed Cubers