Write off
WITH Scottish football finito for the season, fans can no longer argue over penalties and whether the ref needs an optical exam. Though fierce debate still abounds. On social media Clyde Football Club have proudly released a picture of the team’s new strip. Studying the writing emblazoned across the collar, one supporter snorts haughtily that the “font is horrendous”. Footie fans. They’re not just managers in waiting. They also make darned fine newspaper editors.

White out
COLLEGE lecturer Laura Higgins is impressed with her class whiteboard. “It’s remarkable,” she says.

Prez puzzle
WE recently discussed the problem that would have arisen if Hillary Clinton had taken the White House, namely that her hubby couldn’t have been referred to as the First Lady. Reader Hugh Dunnachie reminds us that Bill Clinton provided a solution himself, arrived at with help of the Caledonian kind. In other words, Bill’s Scottish pals told him he’d be the First Laddie. 

Beauty tips 
THOSE who deny the existence of a deity also deny themselves a daub of lippy and mascara, claims reader Maureen Hutchison. So why don’t atheists wear make-up? “Because they don’t want to beatify themselves,” explains Maureen. 

Specs appeal 
IN the 1970s Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree was a school teacher. One day she was perusing some admin in class which necessitated donning a pair of recently prescribed glasses. This proved to be a dangerously disruptive decision in an environment as volatile as an Ayrshire classroom.
A sudden shriek warned the startled teacher of the danger of the situation. The originator of the shriek, a pupil named Elaine, then called out: “Mrs K. You’ve got specs! You just look like Deirdre in Coronation Street.”
The class then erupted, with Amy desperately trying to quell the commotion by explaining she had never watched the television programme, and had no idea who this Deirdre was.
However, she did have a sneaky peek at the next Corrie episode, in order to study her mysterious doppelganger.
“I had mixed feelings, in truth” sighs a disappointed Amy. 

Loafing lad
“I HATE when my girlfriend gets angry with me for being lazy,” says reader Jack Graham. “It’s not as if I did anything.”

Stringing them along
WE continue thinking of dubious characters from kid’s TV for Paisley-raised political prober, Andrew Neil, to interview. Roy Murray suggests he have a pop at a Thunderbirds character…
Andrew Neil: “Admit it, Lady Penelope, you’re attempting to set up a puppet regime in the UK. But who’s pulling your strings...?”

Biting humour
A FOODIE funny. “What do you call an all-you-can eat restaurant, with plenty of garlic in the dishes?” asks Bill Hughes. “Buffet the Vampire Slayer.”