THE sun briefly glanced off the surface of Scotland at the weekend. Liz Plimpton had prepared for the occasion by purchasing a hammock, which must have been relaxing.

Not so, reveals our reader, who explains it was more like the Iraq War.

“It initially seemed like a good idea,” she says. “But once I was in the hammock I had no exit strategy. After two hours sprawled there, panicking, I was forced to roll out and hit the turf. After which I needed a stretcher, not a hammock.”

Just not cricket

IT’S reported that Ian Botham is to get a seat in the House of Lords. It’s a good fit. As a retired cricketer, he’s well-trained in loafing about for days while nothing happens.

However, Rodney Arnold isn’t impressed. Our reader points out Botham’s reputation was forged battling for the Ashes. A feared batsman, his job was to brandish a lump of wood while surrounded by Australians.

“That’s what my cousin did in the bar he managed in Sydney,” says Rodney. “Swinging a broom handle at drunken stragglers was how he chased them out at the end of the night. So where’s his peerage?”

Fuzzy fellows

COMING out of lockdown, the world’s a different place from months ago, points out reader Peter Raven. He’s compiling a list of the dramatic changes, which we quote:

THEN: Dapper chaps groom themselves to look like an army of Hugh Grants.

NOW: Dilapidated chaps are groomed like a cadre of cavemen. In other words, Huge Grunts.

Heeere’s Johnny

WE continue our Johnny Beattie tales. A reader recalls Johnny visiting his golf club to play a celebrity pro-am. An obviously nervous Johnny swung on the first tee while a large crowd watched. He then suffered the indignity of missing the ball. Quick as a flash, Johnny cried: “Bloody hard course, this.”


ANOTHER daft elephant gag. How many Elephants can you get in a Mini, asks Bill Thompson.

“Four. Two in the front and two in the back.”

How many Hippos can you get in a Mini?

“None. There’s no space, what with all those elephants.”

Hair-raising humour

WITH a lack of venues to perform in, comedians are gigging from home using video conferencing technology. Fern Brady is adapting well. “Cannot believe I wasted years wearing heavy make-up on stage when I just did a Zoom gig with a full moustache and brows,” she says.

Animal magic

“I’VE excellent pet insurance,” boasts reader Matthew Tyler. “When my dog was at the vet I got a courtesy cat.”