Alien nation

THE year just got weirder. Former Pentagon advisers are claiming America is storing vehicles “not made of this earth”. Space ships, in other words. If aliens are amongst us it’s only a matter of time until one reveals himself and says: “Take me to your leader.” 

And who will step forward? 
We can only surmise…

Boris Johnson: I’m the chap you’re after, old boy. Eton educated. Born to rule and all that. And by jingo, I got Brexit done. Or done-ish.

Nicola Sturgeon: Hud yer weesht, ya blondie bam. Am the high heid yin roond here. A huge success puntin’ they face masks, tellin’ everyone they’re a wee sporran fur yer gub.

At this point the alien draws a zap gun. Boris and Nicola gulp.

Boris and Nicola together:  It’s a bloke called Donald you want. Here’s his address in Washington…

Strange brew

WE all have our own way of doing things. For instance, Glasgow comedian Paul McDaniel says: “I put milk and teabag in first.” 

He adds: “Weird way to brush your teeth, I know.”

Driven to distraction

A TALE about an awful first date reminds Sue Tucker of a similar occasion. When she was in her twenties a bloke arranged to pick her up. He duly arrived in a car… driven by his father.

It transpired her suitor didn’t have a driver’s licence, so pops ferried him around. 
While dining in a restaurant, Sue watched dad through the window eating a Chinese carry-out in his car while waiting to drive the youngsters home.

“I feel terrible for him,” said our reader to her beau. 

“I know what you mean,” said the beau. “He doesn’t like Chinese food. He was hoping there’d be a chippy round here.”

Dame days done

THE last time actor Iain Robertson saw the late Johnny Beattie was at the King’s Panto. Both men were in the audience. Iain said to Johnny: “Ye no wish ye were up there, Johnny?” 

Johnny replied: “Och naw son, ave hung up ma bra.”

Dressed to kill

A BRAIN teaser from reader Sonia Petersen: “If a lady’s formal dress is “evening wear” what’s her knight’s suit of armour called?” 

The answer is: “Silverwear.” 

Rebel yell

RATHER hastily we recently categorised our contributors as “roguish rebels and raffish rascals”. An outraged Russell Smith, from Kilbirnie, responds: “As an occasional contributor and upstanding pillar of society, I resemble that aspersion.”

Savage solar system

THE son of reader Dan Charlton is interested in astronomy and asked dad how stars die. “Usually from an overdose,” explained dad.