FROM Friday hostelries will be forced by law to take customer details to allow contact tracing. Pete Slater, from Ayr, foresees a problem. Those in the midst of a lengthy pub crawl may arrive at a drinking establishment devoid of both facts and their faculties, as the following scenario makes clear.

Barman: Telephone number?

Barfly: Hic! I oany huv the one phone.

Barman: Address?

Barfly: I wear trooseers, mate. Ain’t gorra legs for a dress.

Barman: No. Where you live.

Barfly: Def’ planet earth. Though mibbe I been kidnapped. Yur no a martian ur ye, pal?

Palmed off

IN solidarity with pupils whose exam results have been downgraded, reader Karen Williams is demanding we also downgrade the status of certain highfalutin individuals, to see how they like it.

For starters, she suggests William Shakespeare and that play of his, Hamlet, about a grumpy, whining prince.

Shakespeare’s no great "Shakes", obviously. Or he would have realised that grumpy, whining princes aren’t killed by over-eager swordplay. They jet off to LA with a wife named Meghan, then continue grumping and whining in a beachfront mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Chompless chump

A DIRTY Dancing sequel is being released with the original movie’s star. Reader Paul Jones suggests other films should continue with original performers. He’d especially like a new version of Jaws. Although the shark isn’t very spritely now. So the flick will be called Gums.

History drive

SPECTACLES worn by Gandhi are being auctioned. Now reader Gavin Preston wants to make some bucks selling one of his own possessions. A laptop once owned by William Wallace.

“The ideal buyer should be passionate about Scottish history,” says Gavin. “Though perhaps not too well-read on the subject.”

Cold comfort

WE continue with the following thought experiment. You bump into your 18-year-old self but only have three words you can speak. What do you say? Emily Bushell believes she wouldn’t have had to bother with an expensive gym subscription with the following advice: “Lock on fridge.”

Nutty statement

WE recently discussed advice given on a condom pack. Alan Barclay, from Edinburgh, bought Dry Roasted Peanuts. Along with allergy info on the side, there was the handy hint that the bag might contain nuts. After a forensic examination, Alan reports back there was no "might" about it.

Trip or trap?

BORIS Johnson is holidaying in Scotland, where he isn’t massively popular. “It’s like Luke Skywalker packing his suntan lotion and Speedos and heading to the Death Star for two weeks,” says reader Oliver Murray.