PUPILS returning to school reminds retired teacher Christine Watters of her first day on the job with a feisty Primary 7 class in Drumchapel, Glasgow. At one point the class ringleader, JoJo, announced: “We made our last teacher cry, didn’t we? We seen her greetin’ in the cupboard.”

This fact was confirmed by sniggers and cries of: “Aye, that’s right!”

Christine never wept in a cupboard, though many tears were shed in the car home.

Fast-forward a year to her second post, at Bearsden Primary 3.

When Christine praised William for his excellent drawing of a robot, he answered: “Thank you, yes, mummy taught me how to do perspective.”

It proved a slightly less fraught year.

Carry On Moaning

WE’RE devising movie sequels that reflect how the narrative would proceed in the real world. David Donaldson is a fan of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. He believes a follow-up should be titled: Perpetual Outrage of the Woke Mind.

Jock jinx

DURING an audition, actress Louise Stewart was asked to be "less Scottish". She was unsure what this meant, though imagines it might be linked to her being Glaswegian and working class.

“Or maybe it was the blue face-paint and kilt,” she adds speculatively.

History lesson

ANGRY American protesters have forced several US notables to scrap the name Dixie, which is associated with America’s South and slavery. The Dixie Chicks are now The Chicks while Dolly Parton changed a ride in her theme park from the Dixie Stampede to the Stampede.

“Britain copies America,” notes Dan Thackeray. “So brace yourself footy fans. A Celtic goalscoring legend is about to be erased from memory. Raging mobs will soon be screeching: ‘Down with Dixie Deans’.”

Elgar’s variations

NICOLA Benedetti has scored her fourth classical No 1 album with her Elgar Violin Concerto. A classy musician, Ayrshire-raised Nicola still keeps her feet firmly on the ground. Which was also true of composer Edward Elgar, whose tunes she has covered.

The illustrious Victorian once scribbled a note to a chum describing his day. It was summed up pithily as: "Dreary weather - Good music - Liver pills - Calomel - Income Tax - No Biking - New Boots - Bad golf ."

Sunday, bloody Sunday

A PUB study has discovered Scotland boasts the most reasonably priced beer in the UK. “In other words, we supply the cheapest Sunday-morning headaches on the market,” says reader Iain Green.

Telly visionary

“APPARENTLY there's a patron saint of security cameras,” reveals reader Anne Johnson. “St Francis of a CCTV.”