WE recently mentioned Paisley town centre is being terrorised by a feisty swan named Attila (Full disclosure. It’s actually only the Diary that calls him Attila. When locals spot the villainous bird pulling up flower beds or bullying pedestrians, they tend to use the sobriquet “Oi, you!”).

It transpires that argy-bargy avian antics are not confined to Paisley. George Dale informs us that in his home town of Beith two male peacocks have been swaggering around, much like those black-hatted varmints who made Dodge City such an inhospitable place to live.

Thankfully, the peacocks’ reign of terror was short-lived. Their owner, with considerable help from a spy network formed on Facebook, track and traced them (To coin a phrase).

We imagine the feathered felons are not quite as pea-cocky as they once were.

Bum deal

ACTOR Laurence Fox has launched a political party. Reader Des Jones hopes thespians of all sorts will now rise up and replace professional politicians. He says: “Swapping Boris Johnson for the business end of a pantomime horse would surely add some much needed gravitas to Parliamentary debate.”

Smelly solution

WITH lockdown ramping up again, Bob Jamieson comes forward with the unlikely suggestion that rubbing horse manure on your hands might prevent the coronavirus spreading. He explains it will have the following effects:

1. Prevent the touching of eyes, nose and mouth.

2. Ensure a 6ft distance is maintained between people.

3. Put a stop to the shaking of hands.

4. Guarantee people wash hands often and effectively.

George now hopes the Government won’t poo-poo his radical theory.

Pray delay

WE’RE collecting words for our updated version of the dictionary. Reader Brian Crook suggests: Altercation, n. spending a long weekend in church.

Fatuous fact

MOST far-fetched fact of the day comes from wacky Glasgow-based comedian Michael Redmond, who says: “Elvis Presley is rightly credited with inventing rock 'n' toll, but he invented b***** all after that. He later tried to develop a prototype for a fridge on wheels, but it never took off.”

Batty idea

THE 12-year-old son of reader Julie Hibbert is a thoughtful fellow. “If I ever become a millionaire I’ll give all my money to charity,” he told her, then added after a brief pause: “Either that or I’ll build a Batmobile.”

Dead unlucky

PHILOSOPHICALLY inclined Ian Noble, from Carstairs Village, has been mulling over life’s great mysteries. With chin balanced on hand, looking very much like Rodin’s Thinker, he asks: “What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”