THE Diary was recently forced to retreat to a darkened room, where we proceeded to moan piteously while dabbing a damp washcloth on our throbbing brow. The reason for our unexpected migraine? We accidentally gazed upon the new Queen’s Park FC strip, which is as reckless an activity as staring into the face of the Medusa.

The strip, which is possibly inspired by traffic lights, is made up of green, red and orange dots. The club is calling it the most historic kit launch in its history. But what do the punters think?

On social media one says approvingly: “Very kind of Stagecoach to donate seat coverings.”

Another adds: “It’s like someone threw up after eating a family bag of Skittles.”

A roaring success, then.

Great expectations

FERN Brady is one of those modern comedians who takes it to the edge whenever she’s on stage (Her routine is edgy, we mean. Not that she balances herself on the rim of the stage, which would probably make her dizzy and be against health and safety regulations).

Anyway, Fern was recently bemoaning the fact she now has a settled home life, which can be rather dull for one with such an adventurous spirit.

“What did you expect in life?” responded her boyfriend. “To be skydiving in Tokyo in a silver bikini? You’re from Bathgate. You’ve exceeded expectations.”

Devil may care

A RECENT Diary mention of the Ten Commandments reminds Gordon Casely of the tale of Jock and Sandy emerging from the kirk after a particularly sulphurous sermon.

“Aye, Sandy. The meenister fairly telt us aboot the sin o’ breakin’ the Ten Commandments, the day,” says Jock.

After a long pause Sandy replies: “Weel, at least I’ve nivvir made a graven image.”

Loafing Liz

WE continue collecting words for our updated version of the dictionary. Bob Jamieson suggests: Microwave (n). What the Queen does when she’s tired.

Talking turkey

DISCREPANCIES in social distancing regulations, which depend on where you are and what you’re doing, exasperate many people. Russell Smith, from Kilbirnie, has found a solution to one of the contradictions. “That’s the Christmas dinner and family get-together sorted,” he tells us. “We’ll kill the turkey and invite up to 20 people to the funeral.”

Local news

THE Ayr Advertiser has managed to find a local angle to a story of worldwide importance, notes our correspondent Robin Gilmour. “Turnberry hotelier tests positive for coronavirus,” reads a recent headline.

Winning ways

AMBITIOUS reader Tom Fenn tells us: “I’d kill to get a Nobel Peace Prize.”