Sign of class

IAN Pattison, the legendary creator of Rab C Nesbitt, has been recalling one of his personal heroes, Liverpool footballer Ian St John, who died this week. “As a kid I sent my autograph book to him at Liverpool, hoping for his signature,” says Ian. “About a week later the book arrives back in an envelope reeking of wintergreen. He'd passed the book round the entire dressing room and had them all sign. Roger Hunt, Ian Callaghan, Ron Yeats, Chris Lawler, the lot.”

Yeats and Saint had even flicked through the book and signed the Dundee United and Motherwell pages too, being former players.

“Best of it is,” chuckles Ian, “I was a cheap little b*****d and hadn't even put a stamp on the envelope.”

Economics for beginners

BEING an identical twin has advantages and disadvantages, reveals Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie, who adds: “When I was giving the best man’s speech at my twin brother’s wedding, I said that I was not only saying farewell to my brother, but also to half my wardrobe.”

A friend of Malcolm, who is also a twin, claimed he had that story beat.

Giving a speech at his twin brother’s wedding, this chap admitted he was really looking forward to the honeymoon…

(We believe in economic theory this sort of malarky is referred to as the Division of Labour.)

Relatively speaking

WE’RE shining a spotlight on the sadly forgotten relatives of celebrated worthies. Reader Larry Cheyne points out that many people enjoy the paintings of Salvador Dali. He adds: “Personally, I prefer his sister, Dilly.”

Fairytale fella

ANOTHER nifty nickname. Reader Bill Lindsay tells us that many years ago there was a science teacher at Bearsden Academy named Mr Henderson who was a religious man with hands like shovels. Inevitably, his pupils called him Hands Christian Henderson.

Trading on tunes

INDUSTRIOUS folk will be keen to kickstart their careers once the nation leaves lockdown. Reader Tom Bain points out that advertising jingles are a good way to promote local businesses, especially when the jingle is based on a famous song.

With this in mind, he suggests the following ditties should be used in advertising campaigns...

Butcher shop: Veal meat again.

Optician: I Can See Clearly Now.

New for old

MORE displays our readers would like to see in an Oxymoron Museum: Rob Jones requests "new artifacts" and "authentic models".

Bookishly brill

“YOU probably didn’t hear that my local library won the Best Library of the Year Award,” says Dan Sutherland. “They like to keep it quiet.”

Read more: Remember when ...