A jagged edge

GLASGOW crime writer Graeme Macrae Burnet is a talented page scribbler, though he is now itching to prove that he also has exceptional entrepreneurial skills at his disposal.

“I'm thinking of opening a pub called The Vaccinated Arms,” he reveals.

Lost in translation

CELEBRITY hairdresser Denise McAdam, who is Scottish though based in London, has been volunteering at a vaccine centre where she asked a chap: "Had a jag yet?"

“No,” replied the fellow, though he added that he once owned a Merc.

Tale with twist

THE joys of dealing with schoolboys, continued. Retired high school teacher Gordon Fisher from Stewarton explains that as part of their English studies, his S1s were encouraged (i.e. telt) to choose a book from the school library and write a review about it.

One clearly ambitious young chap chose Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens. The concerned teacher explained to his pupil that this was a rather weighty tome, so perhaps he should choose something on the lighter side, as only one week was allocated to the task.

The scholar was undaunted and assured his teacher that all would be fine.

The essay was duly submitted, containing the highly insightful introductory sentence: "Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens was really good and how he managed to put all those great songs in it was amazing!"

School for scandal

A RECENT Diary tale about parenthood and its attendant humiliations reminds Richard Gault of a parents evening many years ago at Rockfield Primary School in Oban.

It was there that our reader spotted in glorious Technicolor a drawing of him and his wife, which was accompanied by the caption: "My dad drinks Guinness and mum has the occasional gin."

“I then realised why we were getting so many smiles when we entered the school,” says Richard.

Read more: Remember when...

Puzzling reply

Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie enjoys challenging crosswords. Knowing this, a pal phoned to ask his advice regarding a clue he was puzzling over, which was: ‘The postman dropped his sack.’

“How many letters?” enquired Malcolm.

“About three hundred,” came the reply.

(Not) space age

A FRIEND of Hamilton reader Stevie Campbell spent the last year working from home as an agoraphobia counsellor.

“He tells me it’s been really quiet,” adds our reader. “I wonder why?”


EDINBURGH comedian Martin Bearne admits he is struggling to maintain a congenial relationship with his pet moggie. With a frustrated sigh, he says: “My cat can't stand it when I anthropomorphise her. She just rolls her eyes at me.”