Alien nation
TV star Sam Heughan has revealed that he believes aliens have visited Earth. Sam clearly has a lot of experience regarding weird happenings as he’s the leading man in Outlander, a time-travel show set in Scotland. (Essentially it’s Doctor Who, with sporrans and tins of shortbread chucked into the mix.)
The Diary is sceptical when it comes to visitations from other planets. After all, if you were a Little Green Man with a flash flying saucer, why waste time visiting a sleepy backwater like Earth?
That’s like owning a top of the range Maserati and only using it to drive the kids to school.
Besides, do we really need aliens in our lives? As the following classic tales from our archives prove, life on Earth is strange enough, even without a visit from ET or the Klingons.
The wheel deal
A MOTHER got on a bus in Glasgow’s west end with two girls in Glasgow Academy uniforms. When the girls sat down mum enthusiastically informed them that she had treats for them. When they excitedly asked what, mum revealed she had bought from a Byres Road deli tubs of marinated garlic, sundried tomatoes and olives.
Hearing this, the chap sitting in front shook his head, turned round and offered each girl a Wagon Wheel.
Hard to swallow
ONE of our readers was visiting the 19th hole at his local golf club when he overheard the barmaid being informed that the soup of the day was venison broth. She dutifully chalked on the menu board: “Venice and broth.”
Our reader wasn’t impressed, sighing to himself: “Deer, oh deer.”
Salty and sweet
A GLASGOW student was accosted by a husky, dusty gentleman of the road, who stretched out his hand and said: “Somefin furra cup o’ tea, pal?”
The student happily handed over two sugar sachets purloined from the Students Union.
Unsurprisingly, the tramp wasn’t overly delighted with this show of largesse, and suggested that the student take a running jump… or words to that effect.
Clearly the two sachets of sugar did nothing to sweeten the tramp’s temper.
Creditable policy
IN the sixties there was a butcher’s shop in Dennistoun with a notice on the wall stating: “CREFDIT”. A puzzled customer pointed out that there was no F in Credit. The delighted butcher replied: “Exactly.”
Green about plants
A GLASGOW primary teacher took her class to the local park, where she ordered the youngsters not to pick the flowers.
She then asked why the plants should be left to their own devices, expecting a reply about it being environmentally friendly to leave greenery alone.
Instead, one wee lad thrust his hand in the air and said: “Is it because the police are always watching you?”
Footy faux pas
A READER bumped into friends in the pub, back from five-a-side football. He asked how the team were playing.
“We’ve a very promising young player,” he was told. “Every week he promises he’ll turn up, but half the time he doesn’t.”
Blanket man blanked
DATING disaster. A reader told us about a friend nicknamed Mr Duvet… because women turned him down so often.
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