Who hasn’t been caught snogging their secret lover on CCTV whilst at work and made the front pages? Me, that’s who.

I have to admit though, I once had a relationship with a 16-year-old barman whom I worked with, shocking I know, it's illegal to sell alcohol until you're 18 and if that wasn’t bad enough, reader, I married him. Scandalous!

What a week for Matt Hancock, the pound shop, off-brand version of the Warren Beattie of the Tory party. When he’s not running about in badly fitting gym shorts doing parkour, running away from cameramen, creating private email accounts to help his mates get PPE contracts, creating wee badges for the NHS, he’s living a double life with a woman we the taxpayers were funding, to snog the dull milk monitor in the dusty offices of Whitehall. Let’s be honest, it was the most unsexual clinch ever witnessed, it reminded me of Laddie the dog next door who loudly humped my scatter cushions as he maintained eye contact with the local minister who came to tea.

Thank God we didn’t have sneaky camera’s back in the day to witness the hot couple John Major and Edwina Currie in flagrante delicto, back then it was hardly 50 Shades of Grey and more like two angry chamois cloths going at it in an airless room that had been haunted by Thatcher. Some things we don’t need to see or even imagine.

Hancock is now relegated to the backbenches, yet still lifts a hefty wage. We the taxpayer will still continue to fund him. As you struggle to keep your small business afloat, Matt Two Jabs is smirking in parliament as his mates high-five him for catching some ‘hot tottie’.

The thing about Matt Two Jabs is, it not just about him being unfaithful, that’s always been a common trait with men in badly fitting suits who head to Downing Street, it’s the fact that he told people that they couldn’t hug their dying parents as he was snuggling up to a woman who wasn’t his wife and checking her throat with his wee pointed lying tongue.

We all saw The Queen sit alone at her beloved husband’s funeral, we have all read the accounts of children standing outside care homes trying to explain through the window to their elderly parents why they can’t come indoors to see them. Hancock made a mockery of every single one of those people suffering, not to mention the deaths from covid, which he should have been focussed on, not concentrating on that lady’s lower back.

Boris the serial philanderer didn’t even sack him, Matt Two Jabs had to resign.

Matt’s multiple email accounts are now up for debate, and reportedly facing an investigation after using personal emails to conduct government affairs. When legally challenged regards the ‘Helping Pals Get Contracts’ he denied there being any correspondence between himself and old pal Alex Bourne, whose firm Hinpack Ltd made picnic cups before the pandemic but wanted to supply PPE for millions and needed contacts.

After much legal to and fro-ing, they released Whatsapp messages where both the men appear to have mocked the investigation and called the newspaper investigating them “a rag” and Bourne replied with a message “Matt Hancock – never heard of him” then he went onto assure Matt Two Jabs that his own lawyers were “all over” the reporter like “A tramp on chips”. Jolly old chaps, standing in their cherry-red chino’s quaffing about making millions from a pandemic and being astounded at anyone asking questions. How very dare they!

Bourne’s lawyers deny Hancock helped him get the contract and have stated that Hancock and Bourne aren’t even friends, they are just acquainted.

I suspect this will be a repeated mantra from Matt Two jabs in the future. “We are not close; we are just acquainted” until faced with CCTV footage to the contrary.

This story isn’t going away and the press and the official investigations will drag on until the whole blanket is shaken out to see what else was going on between the sheets. No doubt, like everything else, this Tory government will come out of it clean as a whistle. Nothing will be done. Such is life in Whitehall.

As lawyers spend time in courts exposing the tactics of this government, it seems they can walk away without reproach. Contrast that with the eight hours of grilling Sturgeon got over the Salmond case, screams for her resignation, and a Twitter campaign to get her sacked. It seems women have to be held to a higher standard than men in UK politics.

Whilst Matt takes centre stage in this adaptation of “The Play That Goes Wrong”, we all know with utter certainty that Michael Gove and Dominic Cummings are waiting in the wings with flashcards, whispering directions, and basically pulling all the strings and trap doors to give us a “Choose your own adventure” experience.

There is surely more scandal to come, there will be more sudden plot twists and surprises, more men waiting to rub their hands with glee as we patiently wait to see if we can attend a wedding, meanwhile, the men in suits organise a divorce, lawyer up, defend their pals’ contracts and wash their hands of their own marital mishmash’s and start afresh somewhere else. Such is the way of the world.

Every day, people are still dealing with the grief of not attending their granny’s funeral, watch comedy, go to the theatre or start to heal the long effects of grief with their loved ones.

2021 won’t be the year we look back at a pandemic, it will be the year that we will know that whilst we were at our most vulnerable, the Tory party rode roughshod over our worst fears, watched their mates make millions from PPE contracts and made whoopee with the hired staff. Not much changes, does it?