Return to sender

STRATHAVEN resident Nan Livingstone reckoned she had come up with the perfect answer to a birthday present dilemma for a relative. She would order a bottle of single malt whisky from Amazon.

All seemed to be going as planned with the expensive cratur delivered on time. But there was a problem. The young fellow who brought the whisky to Nan’s door wasn’t for handing it over without proof of age.

Nan explained to the young fellow that, unfortunately, she had neither passport nor driving licence. As a result the birthday bottle was returned to the depot from whence it came.

"Now, you can understand that Amazon have a legal responsibility to make sure their customers are of age,” says Nan. “But they may have been a little over cautious.”

Nan Livingstone is 98 years old.

Biblical bud’

PUGNACIOUS political pontificator Nigel Farage has joined GB News, the broadcasting station launched by Paisley’s very own Andrew Neil.

Farage, who will anchor a current affairs show, is a rather divisive chap. If you could pour a family-sized jar of Marmite into an empty double-breasted suit it would probably have some sort of resemblance to Nigel.

Andrew Adonis, the splendidly named Blairite politico, is certainly no fan of either Farage or the high heed yin of GB News.

On social media Adonis harrumphs: “So, as many of us always argued, Andrew Neil was John the Baptist to Farage.”

This surely is thrilling news for biblical scholars. Who could have guessed that John the Baptist was a Paisley buddy?

Nature in revolt

A DISTURBING revelation from reader Pete Hartley who informs us that 80s pop icon Gary Numan is actually thirteen days older than actor Gary Oldman.

“Surely this goes against the laws of nature?” says our dismayed correspondent.

Devious about doggy

CRAFTY canine owner Scott Merton says: “I named my dog 'Five Miles'. Now I tell people I walk Five Miles twice a day.”

Apothegm stratagem

A DIARY tale about a youthful shopkeeper who didn’t understand a traditional aphorism leads reader David Donaldson to surmise that there must be numerous classic proverbs that youngsters find baffling or outdated.

He concludes that we should replace fusty phrases with fresh-n-frisky new versions. For starters, he suggests: “One man's Quorn is another man's poison.”

Flight of fancy

UNLIKELY story of the day from reader Walter Perry, who says: “I bought a new plane the other day. Disappointed they didn’t let me keep the hanger.”

Spade is ace

“WAS there ever a more ground-breaking invention than the shovel?” enquires reader Bob McPake.