Heartening response

THE Diary continues to extol the joys of messing about in boats. Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie was discussing this very subject with a neighbour who told our reader about an occasion when he took his wife sailing.

Fearing an emergency situation, this chap encouraged his missus to learn basic seamanship, such as the rudiments of navigation and how to use the VHF radio.

His wife showed scant interest in learning such things, so to ensure her active participation, hubby described a worst-case scenario. “What would you say on the VHF radio if I collapsed with a heart attack and the coastguard asked you for your position?” he enquired.

She replied rather smugly: “Rich widow.”

Lundin calling

RUTH Davidson is formally introduced in the House of Lords today, where she will be addressed rather magnificently as Baroness Davidson of Lundin Links, her title a nod to the Fife coastal town where she was raised.

George Dale from Beith suggests that the former Scottish Conservative Party leader isn’t quite so focused on her home nation as once she was.

“Surely Ruth's House of Lords title contains a spelling mistake,” claims George, who adds: “Should it not actually be Baroness Davidson of London Links?”

Dodgy follower?

WE continue with our tales of scholarly impropriety. Russell Smith from Largs recalls a high school English lesson in the early 1950s. Asked to give the adjective of apostle, one student, possibly a little less worldly-wise than the rest of the class, ventured: “Apostitute.”

Cue titters all round.

Alliteration nation

OUR latest obsession is alliterative occupations. We believe it is foolhardy to hire anyone who is not called Paul the Plumber or Eddie the Electrician. Ambitious reader Jim Cattigan wants to take this a step further, proudly boasting that his friends use a builder called Brian, and he’s from Barrhead.

“Do we have Peter the Plumber from Paisley out there?” wonders Jim.

Mick Mrs out

THE Diary is replacing fusty old aphorisms with fresh-n-frisky new phrases, more suited to modern life. David Donaldson suggests: “A Rolling Stone gathers no Mrs.”

Jar too far

WE mentioned that the debatable pleasures of Marmite tend to divide the nation, which inspires reader Rose Morehouse to tell us: “I recently won a competition for 10 years' supply of Marmite. It was one jar.”

Ant man

UNLIKELY story of the day from reader Gwen Stewart, who says: “I didn’t believe this bloke I met who told me that he was a pop star from the 1980s. But he was adamant.”

Read more: Age-old problem is dram ridiculous