Mr Hide

PRINCE Harry first moved to America to gain some valuable privacy. Since then he’s appeared on TV with Oprah Winfrey, been interviewed by James Corden, featured as a podcast guest and launched a prominent website and brand.

His latest noble attempt to fend off unwanted attention is to write a memoir.

Reader Debbie Orton says: “If Harry ever asks me to join him in a game of hide-and-seek I’ll have to respectfully decline as it’ll be the most rubbish game ever. Instead of hiding in the wardrobe, or under the bed, Harry would be leaping up and down in the middle of the living room, screeching: ‘Yoo-hoo! Over here! Shy and retiring Prince trying desperately hard not to be found!’”

Tippler’s top tip

EVERY now and then the bleary-eyed Diary looks itself in the mirror, doesn’t like what it sees, then decides never to visit the pub again.

At such moments one of our correspondents will inevitably get in touch and regale us with some bar-room badinage, reminding us why we became hostage to the hostelry in the first place.

Such a time has arrived, with reader Tam Gooch revealing that he overheard a tipsy tippler at a bar saying to his pal: “That’s the great thing about a wee whisky. It makes ye ready for anything.”

“Wit dae ye mean by anything?” inquired his pal.

“Well, for starters,” replied the first fellow, “it makes ye ready for another wee whisky.”

Druggy dug

THE Diary’s current obsession with daffy dog names prompts Alasdair Sinclair to recall that his father as a boy named his hound after a well-known painkiller of the time. When anyone asked what the pooch’s name was he would always be entertained by the bamboozled reaction to his reply: "Askit."

Bad housekeeping

AN East Dunbartonshire resident was scrolling through websites when he stumbled upon the Good Housekeeping site, where there was a competition to win what was described as a Poo Pourri Bundle.

“What a **** prize," concluded our reader.

Phone faux pas

“I ALMOST dropped my phone on my plush, carpeted floor,” says reader Geoff Morgan. “Luckily I have super-speedy reflexes so was able to slap it into the wall instead.”

Floating filth

A DIARY photo of a vessel with a risqué name reminds reader David Donaldson of a boat he spotted just outside Tobermory. It was called Wet Dream.

Dissing the dental

DISMISSIVE reader Ian Stuart says winning the Dentist of the Year award is no big deal, explaining: “All you get is a little plaque.”

Read more: Taking safety on boats to heart