Whither the weather

WITH the climate increasingly warm, reader Martin Brown provides us with a brief guide to how we upbeat Scots embrace the various seasons.

Autumn: Nae fair… rain. Wish it wis summer.

Winter: Aw naw. Snaw. Wish it wis summer.

Spring: Rain. Again. Wish it wis summer.

Summer: Pure swelterin’ oot there. Wish it wid rain.

Island escape

THE Diary has been expressing its concern for Prince Harry, that shy and retiring chap who repeatedly contacts media outlets to remind anyone who may have forgotten about him how much he wants to be forgotten about.

Reader Dawn Larner says that in some respects it’s a pity Harry is married.

“If he was single he could be a contestant on reality show Love Island,” says Dawn, “and meet other young people, much like him, desperately attempting to avoid fame by wearing skimpy beachwear and winching each other in front of a TV crew.”

Heading for hirsute

A DISPARAGING comment about Marmite in the Diary rouses reader Joe Knox to valiantly come to its defence. “Don’t play down the qualities of Marmite as a cure for baldness,” says Joe. “Spread it over your head and from a distance it looks like hair.”

Indiana irritant

WE’RE following the progress of those Hollywood hotshots camping out in Glasgow city centre, filming the latest Indiana Jones flick.

Gordon Fisher from Stewarton stumbled across the gang in Renfield Street and realised he would probably giggle like a schoolboy if he glimpsed the fedora-wearing, whip-cracking hero of his youth.

Though it seems that not everyone is a sucker for the escapades of an adventurous archaeologist. Gordon overheard one elderly gent say to his wife: "Wit the hell's going on here, Jean?"

She explained the situation.

"Could they no have done it somewhere else?” growled the exasperated gent. “This is a main road, for Chrissake!"

Sniffy reaction

A DIARY mention of a popular fumigant inspires a Bishopbriggs reader to tell us of the Orange Order stalwart who said to his wife: "You can buy plug-in air fresheners but there will be no pot pourri in our home."

Tiny dancer

WE’VE been arguing that people should choose their careers not according to skills or aptitudes, but solely depending on alliterative qualities. With this in mind, Russell Smith from Largs hopes there exists a Dolly the dainty dancer from downtown Dalry.

Back ache

“I PHONED the Impatience Sufferers Hotline the other day,” says reader Pete Thompson. “They put me in the back of the queue.”

Read more: Harry's jotters and the bashful prince