Play time

PLEASE take your seats ladies and gentlemen. The Diary is proud to present the first (and possibly last) in a series of miniature plays which bravely tackle subjects of a controversial nature. Today’s theatrical extravaganza, provided by reader Jim Hamilton, examines the baleful effects of having a poor parental role model. Furthermore, this hard-hitting drama doesn’t shy away from shining a harsh spotlight on the greater network of societal problems, such as the wilful and malicious destruction of property.

Curtain up…

Character One: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

Character Two: Yes, we arson.

The bald facts

A DIGNITARY from the education department visited a secondary school in Glasgow’s East End, recalls Brian Logan from Langside.

Above the eyebrows, this dignitary very much resembled Yul Brynner. Taken to see a class at work, he asked a pupil what his name was. There was a certain amount of tittering when the boy truthfully answered Barber. Persevering with his strategy of getting to know the class, the fellow asked another scholar for his name.

“Bauldie,” said the scholar.

Cue rolling about in the aisles while a certain dignitary made a less than dignified exit.

Facts of life

THE Olympics isn’t merely a sporting extravaganza. It provides a window into other cultures. Reader Jimmy Stuart was watching the opening ceremony on TV when the competitors from the Virgin Islands swaggered into the stadium.

“I was surprised to discover enough people are being born there to send a team,” says Jimmy. “Maybe the place should be renamed the Islands.”

Pillow talk

SOME useful advice from reader Lucy Thompson, who says: “Never have a pillow fight with death unless you’re willing to face the reaper cushions.”

Enrico's entrance

THE Diary is hell-bent on turning the UK into an alliteration nation. Ian Meikle from Lesmahagow believes we’re nearly there. He recalls Celtic once playing poorly at Parkhead and Enrico Annoni was brought on as a substitute. From the crowd, a voice was heard to groan: “Awe naw, no nat Annoni ona naw noo.’’

Bad bee-haviour

WILDLIFE watcher Roger Campbell from Paisley discovered that bees sleep between five and eight hours a day, sometimes in flowers. Quite frankly, he’s outraged.

“Essentially they’re snoozing on the job,” he says. “Makes you wonder how the maxim ‘busy as a bee’ came about. I’m guessing the bees paid slick PR professionals to promote their work in the community.”

Food for thought

GOURMET Frank Morgan claims he lunched at a religious restaurant named The Lord Giveth.

“They also do takeaways,” says Frank.

Read more: A crisp reminder for the Government