Footering about

A RECENT Diary tale underlined the fact that Scotland can seem very much like a foreign country. Even to proud Scots. Which reminds Margaret Thomson of the time she went on holiday to Aberdeen with a chum and stayed in a boarding house just outside of the city. On the first day the two pals explained to their landlady that they would be walking into town. She advised them to catch the Fittie bus on the way back.

They duly asked a woman standing at a bus stop if this was where they could get the Fittie bus. “Aye,” she said. “Here it comes.”

And, sure enough, there it was. A bus going all the way to Footdee.

Jinxed by gin

VISITING the Hyndland branch of Oddbins, David Donaldson spotted a certain brand of bottled refreshment going by the name of Piston Dry Gin.

Which led him to imagine the following vignette…

Traffic cop: "Have you been drinking?"

Motorist: "Yes ... Piston gin."

Fiery faux pas

WE’RE discussing occasions that were undermined by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Bill Rutherford from Galashiels has a pal who once attended a cremation. There must have been a mix-up when it came to choosing a tune, because as the coffin was passing through the curtains, Gracie Fields started singing “Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye…”

The brush-off

THE Diary looks into the jaws of despair with the following traumatic tale. Reader Mary Hughes says: “My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.”

The hole truth

RELAXING in a coffee shop in Glasgow’s west end, reader Jennifer Curran overheard two middle-aged ladies chatting at a nearby table. The conversation went like this…

Lady 1: I can’t believe you only ordered that one doughnut… and without the caramel filling!

Lady 2 (in a rather proud tone of voice): Well, nobody said that a strict diet was going to be easy.

Statue, Alex?

FOOTBALL focused reader Robert Irvine notes that Aberdeen FC have commissioned a statue of their most famous manager, which will proudly stand outside the ground.

“Is there any truth in the rumour that they will pay for it by selling porcelain miniatures of the statue?” wonders Robin, who adds: “You know… Ceramic Ferguson.”

Riding high

THERE are some great career paths to follow, explains reader Tom Staples, who tells us that his uncle works as a public relations manager for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

“He’s the spokesman,” says Tom.

Read more: The high cost of supporting Lenin