Peculiar purchase

A DIARY tale about those folk who have a great deal of love for the colour orange inspires reader Gordon McRae to tell us of a Hollywood memorabilia auction where there was some frantic bidding from Northern Ireland.

The lot in question was the sash Mia Farrow wore.

Far-flung Fergie

FOOTBALL-FOCUSED reader Robin Irvine recently noted that Aberdeen FC have commissioned a statue of their most famous manager, which will proudly stand outside the stadium. Today he informs us that, rather surprisingly, there already exists such an effigy in a far-off city.

“It’s in Moscow,” explains Robin. “Cyrillic Ferguson.”

Uptight night

WE continue discussing occasions that were undermined by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Eric Simmons once visited a hostelry in Rothesay where a local female singer was belting out popular numbers.

When the chanteuse realised that she had a young honeymoon couple in her audience she quickly found the perfect backing track, then sang to them a splendid rendition of Help Me Make it Through the Night.

Boozy badinage

A DIARY yarn about a chap and his automobile reminds Gordon Casely of the inebriated fellow who is ambling home late one night. He halts when he spies a motorist leaning into the raised bonnet of his car to study the intricacies within.

“What’s up?” enquires the drunk.

“Piston broke,” answers the stranded driver.

“Same here,” admits the drunk.

Mighty mush

AN American lady named Samantha Ramsdell has been lauded by the Guinness Book Of Records for having the largest mouth in the world. Reader Antonella Brown says, “Somebody should inform Piers Morgan. He’s been robbed.”

Delighted dad

THE teenage son of reader Jane Knight was in the living room, playing one of those terribly violent computer games that teenage sons adore so much. The lad’s father was sitting in a nearby sofa, reading the paper.

“This is brilliant!” squealed the lad, “I’m killing people and getting away with it!”

Without raising his face from the paper, dad said: “Wonderful news. Knew you’d make me proud of you, one of these days.”

Core knowledge

THOUGHT for the day from reader Bill Roberts, who says: “The old ‘apple a day keeps you healthy’ proverb is complete and utter rubbish. Just ask Eve, Snow White or any suckling pig you’ve ever munched on, fresh from the spit.”

Metal guru

BRACE yourself, faithful reader. It’s crackpot comment time. Reader Edward Travers tells us: “The most gullible chemical element is easily lead.”

Read more: On the bus, destination unclear