Staggering stones

THERE’S an old saying that a rolling stone gathers no moss. Which may very well be true. Though even if it doesn’t gather any moss, a Rolling Stone will collect a few wrinkles, some grey hairs and plenty of aches and pains.

At least that’s what appears to have happened to Charlie Watts, the 80-year-old drummer with the second most successful musical combo to have swaggered through the 1960s.

Watts has been forced to pull out of The Rolling Stones latest tour to have emergency surgery. Hopefully he’ll get well soon.

Though perhaps the ever increasing age of the Stones necessitates a name change for their most famous songs.

Mick should now sing Hobblin’ Jack Flash while the song Angie could be replaced by Angina.

Thankfully our ever-youthful Diary contributors never miss a beat, as these tales from our archives prove…

Family a-fair

THE scene. A roof top swimming pool in Spain during siesta time. Guests lay in comfortable, soporific silence in the heat. Suddenly the door bursts open as maw, paw, the granny and four weans came in, arms laden with towels, lilos and a bottle of vodka.

The shrieking kids barge into maw, who drops the vodka, shattering the bottle. Another child howls as he cuts himself on the glass. Paw yells at maw for dropping the bottle. Maws shrieks at the weans and granny grumps at paw.

“It’s Glasgow Fair fortnight,” groans one of the startled guests.

Gaffer a go-go

WORKING at the Gray Dunn factory in Scotland Street during university summer vacation in the 1970s, a reader was intrigued when assigned to the ‘wafer room’.

It’s name soon became clear at break-time when the gaffer sidled up and said, “Wafer a smoke, big man.”

Monkeying around

AN apprentice at a Glasgow garage was warned by his father to watch out for the mechanics playing practical jokes on him, such as sending him for a tin of tartan paint. His first week was going well until the foreman requested the monkey wrench. The lad thought about this before replying: “A monkey wrench? Do you think I’m stupid? There’s no such thing.”

Boozy badinage

TWO police officers in Glasgow city centre threatened a rowdy drunk with being locked up for the night if he didn’t behave.

“What’s the charge?” slurred the aggressive booze hound.

It went over his head when one officer replied: “Oh, there’s no charge. It’s a free service.”

Kid's stuff

A HYNDLAND reader on business in America heard the flight attendant tell passengers to turn their cell phones to airplane mode. The attendant then added: “If you are unsure how to do this, ask a nearby child for assistance.”


A SMALL quantity of drugs was discovered by police on board the tour bus of teenage pop star Justin Bieber. Paddy Power immediately opened a book on what the drugs were. You could bet on Calpol at 100/1.

Double trouble

A MUM was once spotted with baby twins. The baby girl was dressed in a pink shirt with the slogan: “All mummy wanted was a cuddle.”