A fishy tale

IS there something in the coastal air that encourages intense rivalry between snarky seafarers, wonders reader James McGovern, who recalls a tale of two sea fishermen, both from fishing villages in the north of Scotland. While on holiday in Benidorm they were overheard arguing in a pub about which of their villages had the worst accent.

One fisherman attempted to win the debate by delivering what was intended as the ultimate put-down: “At least we dinna ca’ feesh fash!”

A philosophical problem

WITH prospective students nervously awaiting confirmation of university places, the thoughts of Grant MacKenzie from Bearsden drift back to his own uni days.

He recalls meeting a chum in a bar during Freshers’ Week who announced that for the forthcoming term he was opting for lectures in Moral Philosophy rather than General Philosophy.

Our reader was curious to know why his friend had made this decision, so asked him to explain the difference between Moral and General Philosophy.

“Oh, that’s easy,” replied his pal. “Moral Philosophy lectures start at 10am and General Philosophy lectures start at 9am.”

Lofty liquid

TEENAGERS are curious animals. The 15-year-old son of reader Jacqueline Benson turned to her the other day and said: “How come you only get milkmen? Why are there no cranberry juice men? What’s so special about milk that it gets its own man?”

The good place

WHEN reader Jane Noble’s best friend acrimoniously broke up with her husband she was depressed for ages.

Jane was relieved when she received a text message from her chum, nine months after the split, stating: “I’m in a good place, now.”

Jane texted back to say she was delighted her pal was emotionally healed at last.

“No,” the friend replied. “The good place is the pub… half-price shots!”

Sting in tale

PERTINENT point of the day from reader Sidney Leslie, who says: “BP is an excellent name for an oil producing company though it wouldn’t be too clever if they made honey.”

Wandering Willie

WE’RE discussing occasions made awkward by inappropriate musical accompaniment. Ian Noble from Carstairs Village was at a wedding where the song played for the first dance was the Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias ballad: To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before.

“I often wonder how the happy couple are doing these days,” says our rightly curious reader.

Equation ejected

A JOKE for those who like maths, booze or possibly both, from reader Charles Sullivan…

f(x)=2x1 walks into a bar.

The barman says: “Sorry, we don't cater for functions.”