Whither the weather?

THE forthcoming United Nations Climate Conference, to be held in Glasgow in November, has the city all of a flutter. Jim Cochrane from Milton Of Campsie overheard one Wee Glesga wifey commenting in a supermarket queue: "Ah jist hope they get a nice day fur it.”

Equestrian Edinburgh

THE shape of things to come. Reader Brian Farish was a passenger in a taxi trundling along the main Corstorphine road in Edinburgh, which is cluttered with bollards purporting to separate cyclists from other road users.

Though the taxi driver claimed they had appeared for a more sinister reason.

“They’re for when the cooncil eventually get rid of all cars in the toon,” said he, adding: “These damned things are for the locals to tie their horses to when they go shopping.”

You’re barred

ON his Clyde 1 radio show George Bowie asks listeners if they have ever been unceremoniously ordered to leave somewhere. One chap reveals he was heckled while attempting to deliver a best man's speech by the bride’s drunken father. When his speech was finished the bride told the shocked fellow to vamoose.

It transpired that the best man was also a doorman, and he had chucked the dad out of a pub the previous week.

Foodie faux pas

A TALE of crackpot capitalism. Reader Paul Marshall said to the bloke serving at a local deli: “I’d like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles.”

“Sorry,” said the server, “we only take cash or a card.”

Batty choice

WE’RE discussing occasions made awkward by inappropriate musical accompaniment. A former Church of Scotland minister told reader Lachlan Bradley that conversations with grieving loved ones while preparing funeral services were often quite difficult.

None more so than the family who had to be persuaded that it would not be appropriate to play the deceased's favourite song at the close of service… Meatloaf’s Bat Out of Hell.

Table talk

OVERHEARD in a Glasgow city centre coffee shop. A lady was complaining to a friend that the dull atmosphere in her workplace meant she was no longer fulfilled by her career, though she admitted that in the present economic climate she was glad to still have a job.

Or as she put it: “They’ve taken away my passion. But at least they left me with a desk.”

Creaming the competition

MORE crackpot capitalism. Reader Maurice Lochhead says the company he works for is better at making sun cream than its competitors.

“But I don’t like to rub it in,” he adds.