Present imperfect

A DIARY tale about an awkward confrontation in an infirmary reminds Susan Baird from Paisley of the occasion when her great aunt had to spend Christmas in hospital, having had her second leg amputated.

The Royal Voluntary Service popped in to cheer up the patients, bringing presents for everyone.

Though great aunt didn’t take much festive consolation from her own gift… a pair of bed socks.

Hairbrained scheme

ANOTHER suggestion for the statue of Sir Alex Ferguson to be erected outside Pittodrie. Gordon McRae says that Sir Alex’s reputation for cosy, relaxed and empathetic half-time team talks should be celebrated with a sculpture of a giant hairdryer.

And just to make sure the statue truly captures Sir Alex’s meek and gentle nature, it should blast smoke and flames twenty feet into the Aberdeen air.

Fudd’s a dud

THE Diary admits to being a tad suspicious that Ken Mooney from Newton Mearns might be watching far too many cartoons in his spare time. For he gets in touch to say: “Is it just me, or does the word ‘retweet’ conjure up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army and being unduly defensive in his military duties?”

Short-sighted choice

WE’RE discussing occasions made awkward by inappropriate musical accompaniment. David Donaldson has it on good authority that undergoing eye surgery can be a stressful experience, so some eye clinics play soothing music to calm the nerves.

When an artist friend of David’s went for a procedure to save his sight from glaucoma he was not especially reassured by Simon and Garfunkel's harmonised voices singing: "Hello darkness my old friend."

Circuitous argument

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Norrie Foster, who says: “Life is referred to as a circle because there’s no point.”

(To which we respond… not at all, Norrie. There’s always your daily dose of Diary hijinks and hilarity to give life meaning and purpose.)


THE fifteen-year-old daughter of reader Gwen Slater was standing in the living room, swithering over whether to go out for a stroll.

Studying her phone, the youngster said: “According to my weather app it’s sunny and perfect for a walk.”

Gwen replied: “I’ve got a weather app, too. It’s called the window. And looking out it I can see the rain hammering down. So maybe you better stay home.”


A WARNING to all our readers from our traffic correspondent Bob Jamieson: “A lorry carrying snooker equipment has crashed on the M74, spilling its load all over the carriageway.”

Bob adds helpfully: “There are cues in both directions.”