Triggering tales

THE Diary admits it has been naïve. For we foolishly assumed that the reason people visit the theatre is to experience edge-of-the-seat entertainment. It turns out that what patrons actually want is slumped-and-snoring-in-the-middle-of-the-seat entertainment.

At least according to London’s Globe Theatre, which has decided to warn audiences about upsetting incidents in their production of Romeo & Juliet. The number of the Samaritans is also being given out, in case theatre fans need emotional support because of the play’s vengeful and violent themes.

The Globe is clearly unhappy about the amount of drama in its drama.

Following its lead, we feel duty bound to provide our readers with a trigger warning regarding the content of today’s collection of classic Diary tales.

The following stories include a lippy woman, a listless chap and the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Read on, gentle soul … if you dare.

Getting mouthy

A STUDENT attending a Glasgow nightclub was in the queue when the steward bellowed at folk to stand back from the door. A mouthy girl at the front snapped back: “Want tae no shout in ma ear!”

The steward merely replied: “Want tae no staun unner ma mooth.”

Delightful dole-drums

A READER on the bus into Glasgow overheard two young chaps who hadn’t seen each other for a while. In their conversation, one informed the other that he was on the dole. When his pal asked what it was like, he replied: “Well, the money’s not great, but the hours are fantastic.”

Touching moment

SCOTTISH men have always had difficulty showing their emotion. One young lad having a beer with his pals in Glasgow’s West End one Friday declared: “The only time I could get a hug from my dad was when I pretended to choke so that he would try the Heimlich Manoeuvre on me.”

Fighting talk

A GLASGOW history teacher told us he was discussing the Battle of Falkirk with his class when a lippy lad piped up: “I don’t know what Falkirk was like in 1298, but I was there last weekend and didn’t think it was worthy fighting over.”

Art of persuasion

A BEARSDEN reader returning from New York was much taken with the conductor on a busy subway who, trying to persuade commuters to move away from the doors to allow more folk on, announced: “Will all the beautiful, smart people please move up the carriageway, and all the ugly, stupid people remain at the doors?”

The shipping news

We recall the occasion when Gordon Strachan took over as footy manager of Celtic. Not every fan at Parkhead was excited about the prospect. The joke told at the time was: “What have the Titanic and Gordon Strachan got in common?”

The answer: “Neither should have left Southampton.”

Insiteful comment

TWITTER has been in existence for nearly a decade and a half, though the Diary can still recall when the social media site celebrated its seventh anniversary. A reader, surprised how long it had been going, said: “How time flies when you’re wasting it.”