Plane crazy

AS the singer Dinah Washington famously pointed out, ‘What A Diff'rence a Day Makes’.

The Holyrood government has clearly taken those words to heart by revealing plans to trial a four-day working week in Scotland.

The Diary isn’t sure what will be the result of all this extra chillaxing. We fear it could result in armed robbers racing out of banks carrying hefty bags with ‘SWAG’ written on the side, only to be momentarily delayed by a policeman, politely asking them to keep the ruckus down a tad, as some off-duty cops are trying to enjoy pina coladas in a nearby beer garden.

Even worse, passengers in aeroplanes, flying thousands of feet above Scotland, will look through their windows in horror as they glimpse their pilot parachuting from the cockpit while holding a sign that reads: “Apologies for the inconvenience. My extra day off work starts… NOW.”

Luckily the Diary never takes time off. Our readers unceasingly bombard us with bonkers stories and jokes, including the following classic tales from our archives…

Ankle fankle

AN expat Scot, living in Ontario, Canada, returned to his native land for a visit. Due to the good weather he was strolling around Glasgow in shorts and sandals. As he had been spending a lot of time golfing in the Canadian sunshine, his legs were tanned though his ankles were white from where he had been wearing golf shoes.

Leaving Queen Street Station, he was spotted by one young girl who said to her pal: “Look at that silly old man. He painted his tan on, and forgot to do his ankles.”

Icky sticky problem

VISITING a pharmacist in Glasgow’s south side, a reader noticed two scrapers on the counter, and wondered what ailment would require the use of such painful-looking implements.

When he tentatively asked what they were for, he was relieved to be told: “We use them for removing chewing gum that customers drop on the floor.”

Taking the Mickey

GLASGOW’S taxi drivers showed their caring side during the annual children’s outing to Troon. One driver was resplendent in a full Mickey Mouse costume, complete with mouse head.

But as one of his fellow drivers told him: “That’s the best you’ve looked in a long time. I’d keep that on if I was you.”

Swinging west end

A GLASGOW reader overheard a woman in a west end bar being berated by her pal for dating a chap while still seeing her previous boyfriend.

“I wasn’t cheating,” her pal replied. “It was merely a relationship overlap.”

Bar-room badinage

“MY wife had a big argument with me,” said a chap in the pub. “She claimed I was a compulsive gambler, and stormed off to her mother’s.” He then added: “Two to one she’s back by the weekend.”

Fag faux pas

TWO young chaps were overheard on a bus discussing health warnings on cigarette packets, with one declaring: “What does it mean, smokin’ can make you impudent?”

Biblical bad lad

“SURELY with a name like Judas,” said the philosopher in the golf club bar, “Jesus should have been a bit suspicious.”