Java jape

A DIARY yarn about a sneaky person enjoying a sly slug of wine during a Zoom conference call reminds Robin Mather from Musselburgh of the times he visited a YMCA to watch a local jazz band.

Coffee was on sale, but regrettably no alcohol. So Robin hid bottles of beer in his inside jacket pockets and smuggled them into the venue.

Having purchased a cup of coffee and rapidly finished it, he surreptitiously poured beer into the now-empty cup.

Though before drinking it he would stir the booze with a teaspoon, thus completing the ingenious deception.

Mind your language

A DIARY story about the intricacies of the Polish language reminds comedy great, Andy Cameron, of the time his friend, an eminent optometrist from Mount Florida, had the one-time Celtic goalkeeper and Polish international Artur Borac in his chair, and asked him to read the bottom line on the wall chart.

Artur apparently said: ”Read it? He was in my class at school.’’

Doggie disaster

A DIARY tale about a smart dog reminds Grant MacKenzie from Bearsden of his uncle’s border collie, Pal, who had been trained to perform numerous useful tasks around the croft in Lewis.

One day our reader watched in amazement as Pal, with a hammer in his mouth, climbed up a ladder onto the roof of the house, and proudly presented the tool to his master, who was in the process of mending loose slates.

To Grant’s surprise his uncle seemed annoyed. Wearily gathering up the "helpful" hound in his arms, he shouted down: “That’s the third time today I’ve had to carry this b****y dog off the roof. He’s yet to master climbing DOWN ladders.”

In the groove

WE continue figuring out what song enticed pop-loving politician Michael Gove onto the dancefloor in an Aberdeen nightclub. Rab Henderson from Falkirk assumes it was the Mindbenders' A Groovy Kind Of Love.

Though Rab says the version played in Aberdeen was no doubt A Groovy Kind Of Gove. Or perhaps even A Govy Kind Of Love.

Tripe gripe

FORMER English teacher Colin Palmer recalls working in a school where one of the plays taught was the exceedingly grim Men Should Weep by Ena Lamont Stewart, set in Glasgow during the 1930s Depression.

Colin recalls one of his young scholars saying: “No wonder it was called the Depression. Anybody would be depressed if they had to read this tripe.”

Superhero savaged

DAFT question of the day from reader Roger Conner: What do you call a beat-up Batman?

Bruised Wayne, of course.

Read more: Lettuce prey