Taste test

THE Diary team occasionally tackles the major topical questions of the day. Sometimes we’ll muse to ourselves, is the Earth flat, or some other shape entirely? Spoiler alert: After exhaustive research, we’ve come to the thrilling conclusion that it is… not flat. (Probably.)

Another of our favourite topics is: Marmite: scrummy or scuzzy?

Glasgow comedian and panto favourite Johnny Mac has decided to issue his opinion on this contentious subject by saying: “Just tried Marmite for the first time…NEVER AGAIN. It was like licking the inside of a farmer’s wellie boot.”

Clearly the Diary needs more information from Johnny. Does he think Marmite tastes like a farmer’s left or right wellie boot?

Also, is the boot in question fresh on? Or is this a boot that has already been put to good use, mucking out the pigpen?

Dead unlucky

A STORY in the Diary about some schoolchildren learning the play Death of a Salesman reminds Moira Campbell of the time she taught supply and was asked to cover a Higher French class who were reading a Maigret story. It just so happened that the creator of Maigret, Georges Simenon, had died the night before, and it had been announced on the radio.

When Moira informed her class, one unhappy chappie said: “Could he not have died before he wrote this book – it’s awful hard.”

Hard to swallow

WHEN she was a university student, reader Mary Browne served tables in a restaurant at weekends, an occupation she enjoyed, especially when she learned the tricks of the trade.

One of the older waitresses once told her: “Always wait until a customer’s mouth is full before asking them if they’re enjoying their meal. They’ll be too embarrassed to do anything other than nod vigorously while trying to swallow.”

Watch the birdie

BIRDWATCHER John Wright points out that you very rarely see owls getting amorous in the rain. “It’s too wet to woo,” he says.

At a stretch

PERSONAL trainer Jennifer Ross tells us that she once agreed to create an exercise regime for a high-flying female lawyer. For some reason the lawyer was particularly interested in learning to do the splits.

“Do you think you can teach me that?” she asked Jennifer.

“Well, it depends,” said Jennifer. “How flexible are you?”

To which the lawyer responded: “Oh, I can do any days, except Fridays.”

Colourful quip

DAFT question of the day from reader Ken Summers, who asks which colour can open your vehicle.

The answer is, of course, khaki.

Read more: Jazz fan who beat the no-alcohol blues