Cutting comment

THE Diary never shies away from controversy. Though perhaps we strayed too far into contentious waters when a correspondent dared posit the theory that a person from Yorkshire is actually a southerner. At least from the perspective of a Scot.

Yorkshireman David Waters says that this sort of talk would not go down well in the White Rose county.

Furthermore, he supplies us with an alternative description of a person who hails from a certain geographical location of the British Isles.

Explains David: “My mother’s definition of a southerner was someone who carves meat you can see through.”

Liquid launch

A COMMENT about the challenges of relieving oneself in the countryside reminds reader Peter Mackay of the following yarn.

Two old chaps have been out boozing. After consuming multiple pints they are strolling – sorry, staggering – homeward through arable lands. The eldest of the fellows suddenly realises his bladder needs emptying, and he proceeds to make the necessary arrangements.

A local polis, spying him in mid-micturition, taps him firmly on the shoulder, and booms: “You can’t pee here.”

The old chap looks up patiently and explains, “I’m not peeing here. I’m peeing away over there,” and points proudly into the verdant distance…

(Wo)man’s best friend

VISITING a café in Edinburgh, reader Sarah Morgan heard two ladies in their twenties chatting about relationships.

“All I want is a guy who’s faithful, loyal and attentive,” said the first lady.

Her friend rolled her eyeballs. “That’s not a man you’re after,” she said. “It’s a basset hound.”

Moggy messaging

DAFT advice of the day from reader Dave Nicholls, who says: “If a lamp post disappears on your street you can always pin a ‘missing’ message on a cat.”

Travails of time

HAVING a tipple at the nineteenth hole of his local golf club with some chums he has known for over forty years, reader Alan Jones said proudly to the gang: “Y’know, I think the years have been kind to us.”

To which one of his chums responded: “The years were never the problem. It was the weekends that did us in.”

Choc talk

GLANCING in the fridge, reader Barry Sullivan noticed that his wife had bought a box of milk chocolates plus a box of dark chocolates.

When Barry enquired why his wife had purchased both, she responded: “You know that balanced diet I keep talking about going on? This is it.”

Movie mutterings

“I JUST watched a film about a man with a broken leg,” says reader Tom Willetts. “Great cast.”