High Society Hijinx

THE Met Gala in New York has been described as the fashion event of the year. In other words, it’s a bunch of well-connected folk swaggering about in ultra-expensive hats, shoes, frocks and trousers.

And just to make things a tad confusing, the hats are often worn as shoes, while the frocks and trousers drip from the wrists like bangles.

But that’s high fashion, da’ling!

At this week’s shimmering shindig some people even turned up in costumes displaying prominent labels attacking the mega rich.

Inevitably it was the mega rich who wore these lavish creations. Nobody else could afford them.

That’s the problem with the Met Gala. It’s a tad too exclusive.

Unlike the Diary.

To prove we are democratic in our daffiness, we once again invite all and sundry to enjoy today’s classic tales from our archives…

Stepping out

A GREENOCK reader heard a chap in the pub tell his pals that going home drunk the previous night had been one of his worst nights ever. When they asked why, he told them: “I stood at the bottom of the stairs, drunk. So I decided to take off my clothes and shoes and tiptoe upstairs.”

That didn’t sound so bad, said his pals, until he added: “Then I realised I was still on the bus.”

Animal angst

“WHAT’S your pet hate?” asked the young girl of her friend on the bus into Glasgow. “Having her squeaky toy hidden,” replied the friend, perhaps misunderstanding the question.

Jaws of despair

A READER overheard a middle-aged woman in a Glasgow coffee shop tell her friends about her latest dating disaster. “I told him during the meal that he had something stuck between his teeth,” she said. After a pause, she added: “He then took them out to see what it was.”

Peddle pinching

WE recall when the triathlon first became popular, that rigorous sporting pursuit where competitors swim, ride a bike, then finish with a foot race. A reader watching one such competition in the Borders heard a fellow spectator shout the following words of encouragement to a competitor who had just started the bike leg of the event: “Now ride that bike like you’ve just nicked it!”

Journey of discovery

A TEACHER at Johnstone High School was about to intervene when he overheard a third-year boy ask his mate: “How faur huv you gaun wi’ a lassie?”

But he breathed a sigh of relief when the pal replied after a few seconds thought: “Paisley.”

The bog standard

A WELL-TRAVELLED Newton Mearns reader was visiting Vietnam where he bought a bottle of the country’s top selling mineral water, La Vie – French for ‘life’, of course – which was very nice. It was only when he looked at the company’s website address on the bottle, laviewater.com, that he felt it might lose its appeal to Glaswegian visitors.

Boozy banter

“I WAS stopped by a traffic cop” said the loudmouth in the pub. “He came up and asked me, ‘Do you know why I stopped you, sir?’ So I told him, ‘Well, if you can’t remember, I’m not going to remind you.’”