Broken man

THE Diary was sad to hear of the death of footballing icon Jimmy Greaves. Although he played for England, his greatest partnership was undoubtedly with Scotsman Ian St John. The duo brought hilarity and hijinks to the beautiful game with their memorable TV show Saint and Greavsie.

Jimmy was always quick with a quality quip. He once said of former Rangers player, Paul Gascoigne, that he was "a man capable of breaking both leg and wind at the same time.”

Tolkien nonsense

GLASGOW crime scribe Douglas Skelton has revealed that in his future creative endeavours he will be blending fantasy fiction with his love of a good mystery.

“I'm planning a set of stories set in Middle Earth in which a well-known character with a dual personality dons a raincoat, smokes a cigar and solves crimes,” he says. “It will be called Gollumbo.”

Going to town

A RECENT tale about amorously inclined schoolboys travelling to Paisley motivates several readers, including Russell Smith from Largs, to point out that "Paisley" has a less innocent meaning when lurv is being discussed.

Russell tells us that a friend of his was once given a lecture on the birds and the bees by his father, where the following advice was proffered: “When you’re going with a lassie, stop at Paisley. Don’t go all the way to Glasgow.”

The Diary is shocked to discover that Scottish locations have ulterior erotic definitions.

We are now hesitant to enquire what it truly means to pop in to Auchenshuggle…

Hot water

“I’M always taking photos beside boiling kettles,” says reader Paula Moore. “I must have selfie steam issues.”

Paint it… brown

A FRIEND going to work at the recent Isle of Wight Festival reminded reader Gordon McRae of an ancient conundrum.

Q: What is cream and brown and comes steaming out of Cowes?

A: The Isle of Wight ferry.

“Unfortunately changes in livery for the ferries over the years has rendered the joke nonsense,” sighs Gordon.

Not to worry. If Gordon ever finds himself in Cowes harbour in the dead of night, surreptitiously carrying tins of cream and brown paint, he can always render the joke topical once more.

Food for thought

INSPIRED by a Diary tale about a certain twisty-turny chocolate snack, reader John Dunlop asks a most profound question: “Has anybody ever had a Straight Wurly?”

Hard to swallow

A TALE of intrigue and edibles. Reader Susan Wainwright tells us she recently joined a secret cooking society. “But I’ve now been banned,” she sighs. “I kept spilling the beans.”

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