Fresh fizz fail

THE Diary is renowned for its uncanny ability to identify the key issues of the day, which we proceed to analyse and debate in this column.

For instance, mulling over the intriguing qualities of a certain twisty-turny chocolate snack, we recently demanded to know if anybody had ever tasted a Straight Wurly.

With this in mind, reader John Dunlop asks: “Why was there never Fresh Jamaica? Why did we put up with Old Jamaica?”

Binns and dins

ALTHOUGH the Diary takes pride in its talent for discussing the major issues of the day (see above), when it comes to tee-hees and titters, we scorn topicality. Which is why we have lately been celebrating outdated jokes.

Finlay Buchanan from Edinburgh recalls an ancient gag that’s sadly no longer valid, though that certainly won’t inhibit us from printing it…

Back in the days when Binns department store dominated Princes Street, an elderly Edinburgh lady was bemoaning the fact that she couldn’t find a bra that fitted.

“Have you tried Binns?” asked her friend.

“Yes,” she replied, “but they rattle when I run for the bus.”

Doughnutty delights

AN Edinburgh doughnut company is baking a range of Scottish-themed delicacies, including the Flower of Scotland, which features a Saltire cross and Irn Bru glaze.

David Donaldson is disappointed. “I looked in vain for something more edgy,” he says, “such as a Green Fudge, which would have a bright green lime glaze with a sour aftertaste.”

Another doughnutty delight suggested by David is… The Next Budget: “That’s a doughnut covered in a jam tomorrow glaze with an unusually large hole in the middle.”

Dotty about games

“I ENJOY all kinds of puzzles, including jigsaws and crosswords,” says reader Brian Flanagan. “But dot to dots are where I draw the line.”

Jimmy’s jape

WE’RE recalling the late Jimmy Greaves, the legendary footballer who was definitely English, though he had many thoughts about his Scottish neighbours.

Reader Pete Roberts remembers Jimmy saying of the fraternal bond between footy fans: “You'll never walk alone… unless you're a Hamilton Accies supporter.”

Musical truth

WHEN he was a student, reader Adam Webb played bass guitar in a rock band. They auditioned for a manager who told them: “That was fine. All you need is decent tunes, lyrics and musicianship. Oh, and it would help if you were all a lot more attractive.”

“The band broke up immediately afterwards,” sighs our reader.

Biting wit

DAFT joke time. “What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?” asks Martin Curran. “A slow swimmer.”

Read more: Remembering the wit of Greavsie