News worthy

THE Diary is exceedingly generous with its members of staff, practising what we call the carrot and stick method of motivating our team. In other words, to encourage our minions to work harder, we hit them with carrots and force-feed them sticks.

Apparently this is not the only way to get things done in an office environment, for we hear that STV are searching for new employees for their flagship Scotland Tonight show.

Anchor-man John MacKay explains what’s required. “Do you have a sharp mind, good ideas, and can you pour a good scotch?” he asks.

An intriguing job description, though we wonder if it complies with current trends for diversity in the workplace.

We sincerely hope that prospective employees who can merely pour a good Tennent’s or bottle of Buckfast will also be considered for the roles.

Calendar chaos

OUTRAGED reader Scott Keeley says: It’s ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September. My cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.”

Hef still hot

ENCOURAGING news for readers who believe that today’s youth are entirely ignorant of the past glories of western culture.

Oliver McGarrity was watching TV with his 15-year-old son, when the teenager piped up: “Doesn’t that guy on the telly look like Hugh Hefner?”

Our reader was shocked to hear his offspring referencing the late publisher of racy magazines and inquired how the youngster had heard of him.

“Every kid at my school knows the Hef,” beamed the boy. “He was a total legend.”

Oliver tells the Diary: “My son’s never heard of Hamlet or Mozart yet he reveres the Hef. I’ll have to visit his school to ask what exactly is being prioritised on the curriculum.”

Dead annoying

NERVOUS reader Jenny Barrett says: “My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the shuffling about. Shouldn’t an exhausted zombie be allowed to hail a taxi, once in a while?”

Hard to swallow

WE mentioned that an Edinburgh doughnut company is baking Scottish-themed delicacies. Reader Tony Lynn wonders if they will make an Independence Referendum doughnut. “You eat one, and you’re full,” he says. “Then someone from the SNP turns up and says: ‘C’mon, have another. And another. Keep chewing till you get it right.”


THOUGHT for the day from reader Stan Crowcroft: “If you don't like tea then a cup of tea isn't your cup of tea.”

Fruity farewell

MOURNFUL reader Ashleigh Davison informs us that the chap who invented the fruit smoothie has died. “He's being berried on Friday,” she says.

Read more: Fizzing over a ginger whinge